My Motherhood..

Today my oldest child; Morgan-Britney is 22. It's hard to believe that 22 years has passed by but then some days I can definitely believe it has.

Looking back I remember that scared 16 had old girl who was pregnant and didn't know what to do. For months I ignored my pregnancy hoping it would go away. If I pretended it wasn't true maybe it wouldn't be.  9 weeks into the pregnancy I realized that wasn't working and I had to face what was really going on inside my body.

Standing in the shower one month after her conception and one month before my 16th birthday I was so nauseous. It was that instant I knew I was pregnant. I didn't need to see that second pink line to know.

Being a young mama wasn't easy. It was scary, hard, fun, confusing and lonely. When I married my love 3 years after my daughter's birth I was so ready. I didn't want to walk the parenting road alone any longer.

As my daughter has grown I have also. I have changed from a young fearful girl into a woman. I have met my Lord and given my heart to Him. I have met and married a wonderful man who is still my husband almost 19 yrs later. I have had 11 more children. I have experienced wonderful times and laughter and loss and sadness.

I have grown as a parent and as a mama. I started out with the "I will never do that's" and "my child will never..(filll in the blank). I have realized I will and have done that and my child has or will do this. I have realized motherhood is hard, tiring and crazy but also fulfilling and wonderful!

I have changed my parenting style as my wisdom has grown. I have learned to pick my battles and choose my priorities.

I now smile sweetly at those mama's who have a screaming baby in their arms or the baby screaming in his car seat in the grocery store. I understand. I've been there. I pass no judgment. Instead I hope to offer love and comfort.

I have learned to leave the motherhood contests behind. I am no longer willing to join in the game. Aren't we all just trying to do our best and love them? These blessings Father gave us to raise.  

As our children get older we realize how little those things matter. What we are left with is how much we loved them.. How much time we gave them and the quality of those moments.

My advice to new mama's? Love your children! Hug them! Snuggle them! Listen to them. Really hear what they say. Involve yourself in their life. Slow down and value each moment. Those babies that you can't imagine as a 22 year old will grow up and one day leave your home. It happens so quickly.

Don't forget to breathe! And smile! Oh and laugh too! Laugh a lot! Dance with your children!
Sing with them! Make memories together!

As Ann Voskamp says in One Thousand Gifts: Life is not an emergency!

 Allow yourself the room to change and grow. Don't root your feet to the ground unwilling to move. We evolve as parents and as women. Father teaches and we become new...

He sings over us!

Sweet girl put on such a brave face. They took many pictures of her bowels and tummy to see if she had an obstruction or sphincter issues. 

I softly prayed over her and reminded her Yeshua was with her. "Right there!" she said as she pointed at the space right next to me. 

A little surprise caught us all off guard. In her tummy was a nail. When asked how the nail got in her tummy she smartly replied, "I don't know. I do not eat nails!" 

While she lay on the table during the procedure I sang little made up songs to her teasing her, "Z, the nail eater..silliest girl I know...." 

They believe it will pass on it's own. Relief!

I put my brave face on also. I felt my own eyes tearing up. I really hate seeing any of my children have to go through tests and discomfort. And these days I cry over split milk-literally. I was able to reign in the seemingly never ending tears and whisper encouraging words to my girl!

And as reward for being such a brave girl I got her french toast sticks! Yum!! 

Just like my sweet girl we also worry and are afraid. Although her tests weren't painful or complicated she was afraid. They were BIG to her...the worries and fears. To us, the trials and struggles in life are BIG...

As I held her hand, prayed, sang and whispered encouragement to her so the Father does for us!! In Zephaniah 3:17 it says .......

  The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."



I hold on to these promises. They are water for my thirsty soul! We never walk alone and without hope. He is with us; singing over us with joy! 


   

Admitting Postpartum Depression

This happened in my life...not because I asked for it, worked for it, desired it or chose it. It just happened.

Postpartum depression isn't something that happens to a select few. It isn't in your genes or your fault. It just happens sometimes. It can happen to you and it can happen to me.

In fact it did, happen to me that is...

It's been a hard thing to admit. A hard thing to discuss or tell anyone about. I had to get to one of my lowest points to finally reach the place where I could tell others and admit it to myself.

I've never been any good at admitting my weakness's. The places where I fail..

You mean I have postpartum depression? Me?

I had to stand in the mirror and point my finger at the woman reflecting back at me. Yes, you!

I had to seek the Father in prayer and tell my love. I had to change some areas of my life and keep my ears open to His voice and leading.

I have had to take new steps and let go of the guilt. Ugly word!

And it's still hard to admit to new people Father places in my path...

I know I need to go to the Therapist but I delay to make that appointment because I struggle with bearing my heart to her. I'm afraid to show her how messy my mind is..  how vulnerable I feel.

Do I have good times? yep! And good days! But my bad times are so rough and so chaotic...

There is that flatness and layer of sadness under it all. That's what I want to be rid of!

If you see a woman hand in hand with the Light that would be me. I am learning to always keep my hand lightly in His and at times of greatest need I hold on tightly..

Step by step. Moment by moment. Grace by grace.

Newness

This morning I sit here in my room. The sun shining through my bedroom window shouting out to all who will listen that a new day has arrived..  Newness.  .a new school year, a new season, new changes.

And here in our home that rings true..  we have started our homeschooling year. It has been going well. I am hoping as the year continues things run along smoothly.

Our second day of school my 17 year old son went in for a day surgery. With the help of my older children I was able to keep homeschooling going and our home life moving along.

Today marks our 4th day and I am looking ahead with joy!

Also the fall season is upon us and the fall Feasts will arrive in Sept. beginning with Yom Teruah..

We begin to prepare our hearts for what Father will teach us.

My first lesson will be to really live in the here and now. I am sure that those mama's who have lost a child will understand how my mind can be so occupied with loss and fear..

But a newness has come into my heart..  Elohim wants to break off those chains of bondage that fear and loss have kept me in.

I can't fully live in the joy of NOW because my future is about what if's. What if's - the fear of loss..

Yeshua came to give us abundant life right here, right now!

He speaks gently to my heart telling me to notice the joy everyday..to live fully present here in this moment.

 The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly. John 10:10

So the question I must ask, is will I let the enemy of my soul steal from me? Will I let him keep me so focused on tomorrow and the fear of more loss or pain that I forget how to live today?

So my prayer is that with all the new day to day I will make a choice to live in the moments that make up my todays and leave my tomorrow's in Yahweh's capable and loving hands.    

The Zoo

Monday we went to our local zoo with a fellow homeschooling mama and friend and her 7 children. We all had a nice time! Great things to see and I know the kiddos loved it!

 Just laying in the sun...

 Avlee

 Bears

Babies in the stroller, Morgan-Britney & Zeke checking out the bears.

 Mo & Zeke(love his get me out of here face...:0)

 ZaraLayna

 They do love those bears, don't they??

 Avlee and her big blue eyes!

 KianAdley

 JaidenNoah

Such a pretty tiger! (and big!!)

We have been getting a lot of rain here in the Panhandle of Texas. Everything here on our property looks lush, overgrown and green! I love green so I am really enjoying this summer with all of it's cooler weather and rain!

Until next time!

I am still here..

It has been over a month and I have neglected my blog! I have missed it but life has been busy and I haven't had a chance to get back to it.

Let me put some recent pictures of some things going on here and of course sweet Aibhlinn-Nylia who is growing so quickly as babies tend to do!

Mid June my oldest dd and my two youngest did the Color Run with me! I am still so proud of this achievement!

My girls and I took a few hours one Saturday and went to a bookstore and coffee cafe! We had a great time! Aren't they beautiful??

We have nests with baby birds all over our property and in our hanging plants and trees. 

On Father's Day we made a big breakfast for our favorite Daddy! We used recipes from Pioneer Woman and oh! how delicious they were!! Look at that spread!! 

I am continuing with my weight loss! I have lost 47lbs now!! In fact I have just started a new blog here on Blogger! I moved from Xanga over here so CHECK IT OUT!!! 

Happyhealthymama

My oldest son Josiah enjoys mowing our yard and I am thinking a lot of the other children love it too! It's a family affair!!

 And just one more...my sweet 5 yr. old JaidenNoah! He has Asperger's and I love seeing the world through his eyes! He challenges me and makes me smile! I love this boy!! 

Baby Wearing

A major dilemma. Yes, at Once upon a Child today I faced a major dilemma! I found the item I wanted to look at but to my consternation there was more than I had anticipated. They were there in front of me in all size, shapes, & colors.

 Some with what seemed like a gazillion straps and buckles and others with none. Some on the hangar looked like mini skirts but since that fad went out in the 90's I knew they must be what the tag claimed them to be!

What, you ask was I looking at? Baby carriers! Yes, those pieces of fabric with buckles and straps that we mothers use to carry our babies close to our bodies.

The sheer numbers of choices lends itself to confusion. Deciding which wrap or carrier is your favorite can drive you mad.

So what do most of us do? We buy one or two and sometimes 3 or 4! We use them with our checklist marking off the pros and cons only to discover we need another. This one just isn't working!

That's exactly what I have done. I have had many over the years. And today in Once Upon A Child I took carrier after carrier off of the hangar to try them on and tie or buckle them up.

And at the end of my adventure,  wouldn't you know,  I decided not to buy another one and be content with the one(s) I have!

Yes, I am one of those mama's who wears her babies..if you're like me you know exactly what I'm talking about!!

 

That First Step of Choice!

I felt so dizzy.....

Did I forget, AGAIN, to eat?  Did I eat a small something? Or was it just my coffee this morning?

I was sitting at the dining room table attempting to research something but my hand was shaking and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. As I sat there I begin to realize that this feeling was all too common. Many days I ended up shaky and low on energy because I had not taken the time to eat. Sometimes there just wasn't time for it.

I'm a busy mama. My days are full. My plate is empty.

My days are filled with cleaning, farm chores, homeschooling, laundry, errands, meal planning and preparing, etc.. When is this busy life is there time to eat? Time to take care of me?

We all have to come to a decision to take time to care for ourselves. It took me many years to realize this. I let myself go. Year after year and pregnancy after pregnancy. It wasn't until 2007 after a hard birth where I hemorrhaged did I realize that letting myself go had caught up with me.

In mid Dec. of 2007 I decided to join Weight Watchers and get healthy. I lost 100lbs in about one year  and my life was changed.

But it didn't stop there...
I have to make the same choice in different ways everyday. I have to choose to be aware of those things that sap my energy and leave me feeling weary. I have had to learn to say no when I just don't have enough of me to go around. I have had to find my limits.

I have to make a conscious choice to make time for myself, to exercise, go out to coffee with a friend, read a good book, spend time in Father's word, and relax with my children.
When I remember to do these things my days go better and not only does my body feel healthier but my spirit also!

Father doesn't want us run down and lethargic. He wants to give us life and life abundant.

.....I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10b


There will be hard days and weariness. Life is hard and it can very quickly zap us of our strength but we can make simple little choices to keep our meter running on full instead of empty.

Take a good look at your life, and ask yourself what you can do to put that bounce in your step. What can you do to have a healthy body and spirit? What small thing can you change today which will start you on the road to big changes tomorrow?

Every big change starts with that first small step!!

 

 

Small Prayers Big Changes!

I would like to change....well, the WORLD!

I have asked myself quite often how I, a mama, who homeschools and spends my time at home with my children, can change the world?

How can I make a difference? Human trafficking, murder, children going hungry, famine, domestic abuse, homeless men & women and the list goes on..

This world is full of so many hurting people. I feel overwhelmed when I wonder how I can make even a small dent in such a BIG problem!  

Recently after reading a book on human trafficking and the sex trade I was overcome with heartbreak and spent time in prayer. I asked the Father what I could do? How could I help them?

His peace flowed over me like a river; strong and warm and with it came my answer: Pray!!

Such a seemingly small thing but in reality the most important thing I can do.

It is when we pray that mountains are moved and men's hearts are changed. My small whispers to a Sovereign God make a ripple that spreads out to many! It continues to reverberate down through time and space. I often wonder? is there a place where all our prayers are stored and the long forgotten pleas of His children can still be heard in the quiet stillness?

What does scripture tell us? It paints a clear picture for us.....
Therefore, openly acknowledge your sins to one another, and pray for each other, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16  

Our prayers are POWERFUL & EFFECTIVE! They are not meaningless nothings. They are heard and answered by El Roi; The God who sees!

It is with this that I go to prayer. When in doubt that I can change our world I am reminded that it's a small spoken prayer to a loving compassionate Father that truly makes the difference!

Everyone has time..

Everyone has time for a kind word or smile.

 My FIL was here about 6 weeks ago and while here he told my love and I that he always tries to give everyone a smile or kind word. Something that he can say that will make them laugh or smile. He enjoys bringing some happiness into others lives

.I know a lady who does the exact thing my FIL does. She also thinks it's important to brighten up someone else's day. She is so full of joy and has brought much happiness to me.

 As I have went through some trials these last few weeks the Father has been focusing on LOVE. Asking me to love as He does. When I do this I have seen that smiling comes easier. Saying something kind to bring a smile to someone else's face or making the sun shine a little brighter.

 It doesn't cost us anything. It isn't hard work. It's really such a simple thing. At the restaurant or even walking down the street we can add beauty to someone's day.

Those pretty earrings she is wearing? Tell her! His new haircut? Let him know! The inspiration the fellow mama offers? Encourage her by letting her know how much she inspires you!   

Love your neighbor as yourself..a command from our Saviour..and something we have within our power to do everyday as we live our daily lives. 

All those little ones at your feet? They are your neighbors...love them and tell them. Make them smile or laugh. Speak kindness. Share His love. Everyone has time for a kind word or smile...even YOU!

In the Midst...

Each time I am about to accomplish something...

my 2 yr. old screams
my baby girl starts to fuss
the 2 yr. old demands his "suckles"
arguments erupt between the 9 & 10 yr. old
princess has a question
JN wants to tell me about the chickens for the 100th time that day
the mini men want to talk
grown girl needs help
12 yr. old needs help with his history
sweetness needs to know how to make those muffins
and on it goes....

This is my life. My life as a mother to many children. This is the life I have chosen. My days are wonderful, frustrating, sweet, sad, happy, mad, mediocre, ecstatic..They are my days, my life! 

Even in the midst of it all I have to find the joy. It has to come from the Father. Daily things can overtake  my sunshine. The clouds cover the rays of peace and joy. My circumstances should not dictate my emotions. It is then I have to be like Peter and keep my eyes on the Father. I can also do amazing things for my family and "walk on water" ! Or, I can take my eyes off of Him and sink...into dirty dishes, diapers, mud and despair. Will it ever get done? Will I ever dig my way out of this pile?

The Light will make a way..it will bring a smile to my weary face...If my joy and peace are found in my Saviour and Friend. I can see the beauty in a mama's day of endless messes. I can look through His eyes..
And perhaps my children will see something in me...like a stained glass window radiating the bright light of His Spirit. 
Maybe I can make a difference in these precious lives! 

No, I may not accomplish much in the way of tangible things but what amazing things have I accomplished in the spiritual? Today one child knew I loved them. Today one child knew what they said mattered. Today they know Father loves them. Today they saw HIM in me!  

13 of my favorite products!

Being a mama of 12 children I certainly use alot of different products and have through the years. I have much experience with whats good and whats not for a variety of different areas. Let me list some of my favorites here.....

1.) Burt's Bees products...
These are natural and work great for sensitive skin. They don't cause irritation like other less expensive products for skin care. So, for me, the extra cost is worth it!

2. Better Butt(er) Cream...
This diaper rash cream is sold by NorthernEssence.com. I found it when looking for a natural diaper rash cream that would heal my daughter's terrible rashes. She has Hirschsprung's Disease which causes rashes that would literally eat away at her skin. Better Butt(er) Cream was the only thing that worked! I have also recently been using it on my newborn's eczema and have found it to work wonderfully!

3. Bum Genius Cloth Diapers....
These diapers work great! They keep my toddler dry even overnight! The only complaint I have is that the velcro wears out so snaps would be better. Using a diaper pin to clean out the velcro does help though.

4.) Motherease Cloth Diaper Covers...
I bought a lot of these cloth diapers and covers. Now at least 7 years later the diapers have worn out but the covers are still being used! They are still waterproof and keeping my little ones clothes dry! They are a bit more money but so worth it!  They more than pay for themselves!!

5.) Tide Laundry Detergent..
I have tried many different laundry detergents on my cloth diapers but none have worked as well as Tide at keeping my dipes clean and smelling fresh! Tide works great on getting out tough stains caused by little (and big boys)!

6.) Bac Out..
This is an all natural product that I found through referrals which is great for deodorizing cloth diapers, carpet, and other smelly things! I use this in our washer on a cold water soak/rinse and my dipes come out stinky free.

7.) Waterproof wet bags...
These are sold on Amazon and are great for wet diapers while out. I just stick one in my diaper bag and never have to worry about all my other items getting wet and my diaper bag stinking.  Also gone are the days I had to remember to grab a Wal mart bag for my wet diapers.

8.) Mei Tai Baby Carriers...
I have used several different styles but haven't found one that works as well for me as the Mei Tai. It evenly distributes the weight of my baby which is essential for me because I have Diastasis Symphysis Pubis. This causes serious pain in my lower back, pubic bone and hips and trouble walking, moving, getting up and down, etc... Carrying a baby could cause me injury so wearing my infant has to be done in a safe way. These baby carriers help me do what I love doing; wearing my babies!

9.) Olive oil...
Olive oil is an important part of my birth kit. After baby is born we liberally apply olive oil to baby's bum after every diaper change. This prevents the tar like meconium from sticking and makes it much easier to wipe off.

10.) Coconut oil..
We buy Coconut Oil at our local Natural Grocers and use it in everything! We use it in place of butter and oils in recipes. I make a rub with coconut oil and drops of Eucalyptus Oil for chest colds. We use it for chapped lips and scrubs! It can also be used in homemade under arm deodorant!

11.) Keurig...
My sweet love bought me a Keurig for Chanukkah in 2011 and it has been an essential kitchen helper since! I love tea and use it everyday to brew up that perfect cup! My love uses it to brew up a cup of Jo..We use the K-cups but we also grind our own coffee and make coffee in the Keurig this way. Even my children use it! It's a time saver and in our busy home this is a must!

12.) Bosch Mixer..
In 2010 we decided to purchase a Bosch Mixer. This mixer can mix up to 15 cups of flour at a time and make 5 loaves of bread. Or big batches of cookies, etc.. It's perfect for our large family and is also a time saver!

13.) And last but not least is The Pioneer Woman Cookbook..
This has just recently become a favorite. Her recipes are simple and easy. She has step by step pictures which make her recipes easy to follow. Each and every one is delicious!! These cookbooks make me want to cook and that's vital for every mama!!

And there you have it!    

My love of cooking is back again!!

I have a new found love. I have known of The Pioneer Woman for awhile but I am never one to jump onto a fad so I waited until just recently to check out her first cookbook from our local library. Once I had some time to peruse it I fell in love! I then went right out and purchased my own copy!

We have been cooking our way through her cookbook: The Pioneer Woman Cooks  In no particular order but just letting our eyes and stomachs guide us!

So let me share some photos of our yummy creations!

 Skillet Cornbread

 the cookbook...

 skillet cornbread..

beans

Blueberry Cobbler

We also had, which isn't pictured..Hot Artichoke Dip, Chicken Fried Steak, Chocolate Sheet Cake, Marmalade Muffins, French Breakfast Puffs, Buttermilk Biscuits, Chicken Spaghetti, Marlboro Man Sandwich, Edna Mae's Sour Cream Pancakes, Meatloaf, Mocah Brownies & Cowboy Calzones. Each one was delicious!! My family's favorites are the Chicken Spaghetti, Chicken Fried Steak, Meatloaf, Marlboro Man Sandwich & Edna Mae's Sour Cream Pancakes!!

This cookbook has made me want to cook and is turning my love of cooking which had grown cold, back to warm again!! I can't wait to get a copy of her other cookbook! The Pioneer Woman

Aibhlinn-Nylia 10 weeks old

I've been asked for some more recent photos of baby girl so here they are!

Mercy Love

 Again Father has been teaching me about love. Scripture tells us love is obeying His commandments and laying our lives down for our brother/sister. (Ephesians)

Laying our life down for someone else isn't always easy. It can be hard when we feel angry or are hurt.
 I chose years ago to love others right where they were. To love them regardless of our differences. My reason for this choice was simple: Love like I wish I had been loved. I know what it is to feel unworthy and unloved. To feel that you aren't worth it and deserve nothing of any value. I wanted to offer my love to others so maybe I could change one person's day. I could make one person feel deserving and lovable. And maybe even change a life?

So, I have felt my own hurt and anger lately. That ugly word REJECTED! And yet, the Father's still small voice asking me to keep on loving regardless what was happening, yes regardless of  what was happening TO ME!   And isn't that the true test? Can I, will I keep loving others even when it's hard? Even when my heart feels broken? Even when I feel rejected? Can I keep loving so my heart doesn't turn cold? So it doesn't dry up and bitterness well up inside the dryness?

I sat listening to scripture being read and the question being asked, "My daughter if you choose love all will be well." "Love them like I love them"

After days of tears and turmoil I lifted my eyes to the heavens and said "Yes, Father! I choose love!" Peace in that instant rained down and filled my heart.

Today the enemy came trying to make a mess. Stirring the pot..making that same old feeling of rejection and hurt rise to the surface. But love came to the rescue. I again made that choice, mercy love...that same mercy love Christ showed me at Calvary. That same mercy love where I stand before  the King in my filthiness yet, clothed in white.

My heart wide open and full of embrace. Loving and laying down my life for my brothers. Obeying my Father..

picture update

Just some recent pictures for ya'll..

KianAdley and his new haircut..(2 1/2 yrs old)

JaidenNoah & KianAdley after haircut..(JaidenNoah is 5)

Aibhlinn-Nylia Hope

She is 5 weeks old now!!

Until next time!

her name & pictures

There has been a slight change in baby girl's name..
We have combined her names into one as ya'll know I LOVE double names and added a very special middle name. When I look at my precious baby I see HOPE...I see how I prayed and fought for her for 9 months..how I held onto HOPE that at the end I would be rewarded with a baby girl I got to hold in my arms. Scripture tells us that we have this HOPE in Father and that this HOPE does not disappoint!
So her name is now:
Aibhlinn-Nylia Hope

Pictures of Aibhlinn Nylia- 1 month old..

Some sweet photos of Aibhlinn Nylia..

She is 1 month old tomorrow! She is so loved and cherished! My precious little love!!