Naming baby and saying goodbye...

I wasn't going to but as I lay in bed I felt it placed upon my heart to name my baby. I have named each one I've lost but this time I've been trying to keep myself detached so somehow maybe I wouldn't have to feel the pain of the loss. It didn't work. A life was lost.  A life that I loved from the very start.

I don't want to let go but to move on it's something I have to do. Naming my baby helps me to do that. I want to say it's all a mistake. A bad dream. My imagination. Anything but what it is. BUT it is reality and it is what's happening.

I have to move on emotionally and mentally because I believe that's a huge part of letting my body move on. So while I wait for my body to let go and for the miscarriage to begin I am moving on in my heart.

  I lit the candle and read Psalm 139 tears streaming down my face.

This part right here: Psalm 139:16.......
"Your eyes saw me when I was formless:
all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began. 

Father God saw my baby when it was without form. He knew as He whispered to me in the very early days of those first positive pregnancy tests "Do you trust me?" He knew as He kept asking me in the days ahead. He knew when he gave me Jeremiah 29:11 over and over. He saw it all and He had this baby's life planned and each day the baby was given before it even began.

This brings me comfort. Knowing that Father knew and this life though brief and unseen beyond my womb was planned and was seen by Him.

I named my baby Nehemiah which means "God comforted" He is day by day by day... I knew before I was pregnant that another boy would be joining our family. I still believe that for the future but I know this baby was a sweet boy also.

 So precious Nehemiah:  Goodbye sweet baby.  Rejoice with the angels in heaven.

Waiting...

I'm waiting. Waiting for the miscarriage. Waiting to be able to move on. Waiting to not be in limbo. Waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm still pregnant. Baby has not miscarried yet. My body is taking it's time. And so, yes, I wait. 

Have I been waiting with patience and purpose? Maybe on day 1 or 2, but yesterday on day 6 since diagnosis I felt scattered and unable to look beyond the waiting. I felt unable to function or focus on daily tasks. My every thought consumed with why not yet and when?

Last night it occurred to me that I was trying to hide away from people and God. I have been doing my best to do the opposite of what I want to do: lay in bed, sleep all day, not feel and not think. But instead I get up, homeschool my children, go to book club, get the groceries I need. But inside I am running. Running away from the pain. Running away from God.


So, last night I stopped. I turned around and begin running toward Jesus where He waits for me. He does not fail me. He never leaves or expects me to walk this road by myself. You know, pull yourself up by your boot straps girl. He pulls me up and He becomes my very strength, I can't walk this road without Him. How easily I forget. 

Today I read Ephesians 13-17:

Ephesians 6:13-17Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

13 This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore,

with truth like a belt around your waist,
righteousness like armor on your chest,
15 and your feet sandaled with readiness
for the gospel of peace.[a]
16 In every situation take the shield of faith,
and with it you will be able to extinguish
all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17 Take the helmet of salvation,
and the sword of the Spirit,
which is God’s word.

And I realized that I have not been using my weapons for this battle. He has given me every weapon I need during every battle I face. The things we go through in life are our battles and if we're not careful we will not handle them rightly. We will become bitter or angry. We won't have peace but turmoil and conflict. We can alienate people and God. We can allow our very selves to change into a person we don't recognize and do not want to be. 

I have Truth, righteousness, peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. 

I must gird myself with these weapons. I must wield them with precision. I must be BRAVE because my Saviour has given me the tools I need and He walks with me. 

What NOT to say or do when a mama has a miscarriage...

"......and pray for me too because I don't want to be sad. "

This was the end of a text to my husband. As soon as I sent this I realized that being sad is a part of it. It's a part of healing. How will I heal if I don't walk through the sad places?

Yesterday we discovered the baby we were expecting never developed and I am now waiting to miscarry. It may be a few weeks out as the progesterone levels drop and my body begins to expel the pregnancy.

This is my 5th miscarriage. It really doesn't get any easier. I thought I was going to handle this better but as the evening came and went it hit me that I am not pg with a baby and that in January of 2017 I will not be holding a precious newborn and breathing in that sweet smell.

This one went on a bit longer then most of my previous ones. 7 weeks. Usually I miscarry right after a positive pregnancy test or within a week or so. My first miscarriage was at 13 1/2 weeks and it was devastating! The same thing happened with that baby. It just didn't develop correctly.

I think that with large families people tend to think it doesn't matter. I have a lot of children so what does one more matter? I can have more. But each baby is unique. Each pregnancy is a life full of promise with all the hopes and dreams that accompany it. It was a life even if it lasted a very short time. The minute I see that pink line I fall in love as do most mama's. We immediately imagine the months and years ahead. It does matter. It was a life. And I loved this baby just as much as I love every child I have been blessed with.

There are things that you shouldn't say or do to a mama that has miscarried:

It was probably for a reason.- This doesn't matter to her and it doesn't make it any easier to understand.

I have never had a miscarriage. - it's really not about you or your history. This is about the mama suffering with loss and grief. She needs your support. Telling her this means somehow she isn't quite as lucky or blessed as you and she has failed. Miscarriage leaves mama's feeling like they have failed. They couldn't carry the baby. Their body betrayed them, etc...

 You can have more- yes, perhaps she can have more. But right now that doesn't make one bit of difference. She wanted THIS baby. This ONE right now! I know for me I never take my fertility for granted so when people say this it hurts because how do they know? The future is never a given in any area!

Think of all the wonderful children you already have- Yes, all her children are a blessing. She is thankful for them but she has room for more in her heart. They do not replace the life that was lost. 

Don't feel sorry for her - She wants your support and understanding. Not your pity. Pity is one emotion that makes dealing with loss even harder. It doesn't help. It hinders.

Don't ignore her pain. Don't be afraid to talk with her and ask her questions about the baby. Perhaps she named the baby. Maybe there is something she needs to talk through. Maybe talking is just her way to work through all the emotions involved and trust me there is A LOT!

Some mama's don't want to talk about it or have times they do and times they don't. If you bring up the miscarriage be observant to her body language and truly listen to what and how she speaking. If you sense she doesn't want to talk about it don't push her. In her time she will. Tomorrow she may need you so be there for when she does want to open up and share.

Don't downplay her feelings or emotions. Don't treat her as if she just needs to move on. This happened to her. It's real. She was pg. It was a life. It was her child. 

If you haven't had a miscarriage but you really want to help check out a book from the library, find one at the book store or look up resources online. Understanding what she is going through is the first step in helping her. 

Don't assume you understand if you haven't experienced this yourself. It's not the same as your dog dying, losing a relative or goldfish. This was her child, her body and her dreams. 

Offer to help her. Do her laundry. Bring her a meal. Be there. 

Be kind. Be loving. Do your best to understand. 

Miscarriage is a hard thing! It's a silent grief. Others can't see evidence of the pain and hurt. You can't see what her body is going through as she miscarries.

I'm in the middle of this right now..It hurts. It's one of life's hard....    

Happy Mother's Day!!

I want to wish all my readers and mama friends a very happy Mothers Day!

And thank you to my children for making me a mother and letting me experience love I've never known and immeasurable joy!

I Remembered...

I forgot! I let something so beautiful sail right past me. How did I not see? How could I forget?

Last night after writing my blog post I was laying in my bed, thoughts swirling in my brain. And it occurred to me that I have not made it a habit to share with my children about their births. They aren't just my birth stories. They don't just belong to me. They are a part of them also. As a Doula and Childbirth Educator I know how very important it is how we meet our children in that first moment they enter this world. It's important to them too. It's their story. The pregnancy and birth is their beginning. 

So, I said a prayer that I would remember to share with each of them about my pregnancies and births. I then recalled my daughter ZL's pregnancy. It was a very scary time for me. So full of uncertainty and fear. I didn't even know I was pregnant because I had a complete cycle where she should have been flushed out with the uterine lining but instead God was working even in this tiniest of beginnings and she wasn't. I discovered I was pregnant 10 days after I had started that cycle.  I had a lot of spotting. An early u/s showed only a sac but no fetal pole yet. They weren't sure the baby was viable. I heard those words and right there I refused to accept that! I prayed and prayed! And every time I bled I  would lay down and rub more progesterone cream right onto my womb. As I rubbed in the progesterone cream I would pray Psalm 139:5;  You have hedged me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me. 

I would pray this verse over and over with every bit of blood I saw. I would rub in my cream and speak the Word of Life over my child. 

So, to continue, this morning the Lord brought to mind how I needed to share with ZL firstly about my pregnancy with her. I opened my bible and read to her Psalm 139:5. I then shared the story about how fearful and uncertain I was when pg with her. How I prayed this verse over her through the whole pregnancy. And as I held her and we cried; (she is a sensitive spirit this girlie. I begin to cry as I shared with her and she started to cry with me. ) I realized that I had forgotten. I had forgotten His faithfulness! This God who sees; El Roi. He knew. From the very moment the seed met the egg He knew. 

You see, not only was her pregnancy uncertain but after her birth I begin to see some things and I wasn't sure what was going on. I begin to seek help with lactation consultants and my fellow La Leche Leaders. I believed she had an allergy to dairy as so many of the symptoms were just like what I had experienced with my son who was two yrs older than her. Then at  3 months old her little belly ballooned within just a few hours and I could feel her colon through her tummy. We rushed her to the emergency room. After many hours and many tests one older pediatrician who had been around the block a few times figured out what was going on with my precious girl. She had a rare disease called Hirschsprung's Disease. You see, in a baby while in the womb,  weeks 5-13 the nerve cells from the mouth to the anus are being formed. In children with HD they are missing in different parts of the intestines. It can be severe or mild. Thankfully my daughter's was the more mild form. 

As all of this was happening at the hospital and then being with her as she was life flighted to Denver children's hospital I forgot. There were so many people at many different churches praying for her back in our home town. But I was so overcome with fear that any bit of light had been snuffed out by darkness. The fear was so overpowering I begin to experience physical manifestations of it. My heart was skipping beats, constant heart palpitations. I had an over abundance of breastmilk but because of the fear and stress within a few hours I was only able to pump barely an ounce on each side. All I could see was my daughter RuthAnne lying still in my husband's arms and the sirens in the background. All I could see was death stretching out it's arms to swallow me whole. 

But as I held my baby girl ZL today and tears ran down my cheeks I remembered. I remembered those 9 long months where this mama laid my hands over the life in my womb and prayed LIFE over her. Spoke that into her. Prayed that my Lord would hear my humble prayer and hedge my baby behind and before and lay His hand upon her. He did. During those days of pregnancy and then when she was so close to death He kept His hand upon her and hedged her behind and before. When the surgeon said she couldn't handle the surgery but the next morning was surprised to see how well she was and said he could do it. My Father had His hand upon her and was hedging her behind and before. 
During her two life saving surgeries it was my God who had His mighty hand upon her and hedged her behind and before. 
It is my Father who has His hand upon her to this day. He continues to hedge her behind and before. She is a healthy happy 10 yr. old today. 

Fear brought darkness and I forgot but today I remembered! I remembered just Who it is I have given my life over to! I have remembered His faithfulness even in the most hopeless situations. When death is looming and all seems lost...

The scripture I prayed over her given to me by my Lord. He knew what was coming down the road. He knew the end of her life that would come so close..He knew! He saw it all and in His faithfulness and love He gave me my weapon. He gave me my hope. My power!

I will praise you all my days Lord! You are Everlasting Love. You are my Portion. You are my Hope. 
Lord, help me to never again forget your work in my life. In the work of your hands in the life of my child. Help me to see your wonders and stand in awe!

Fear came to destroy and block out the truth. To control and wound but a Light nothing can stop and no darkness can hide from came in with His TRUTH and His LOVE. 

Let me grasp this Everlasting Love Father. Let me not forget!
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