Waiting...

I'm waiting. Waiting for the miscarriage. Waiting to be able to move on. Waiting to not be in limbo. Waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm still pregnant. Baby has not miscarried yet. My body is taking it's time. And so, yes, I wait. 

Have I been waiting with patience and purpose? Maybe on day 1 or 2, but yesterday on day 6 since diagnosis I felt scattered and unable to look beyond the waiting. I felt unable to function or focus on daily tasks. My every thought consumed with why not yet and when?

Last night it occurred to me that I was trying to hide away from people and God. I have been doing my best to do the opposite of what I want to do: lay in bed, sleep all day, not feel and not think. But instead I get up, homeschool my children, go to book club, get the groceries I need. But inside I am running. Running away from the pain. Running away from God.


So, last night I stopped. I turned around and begin running toward Jesus where He waits for me. He does not fail me. He never leaves or expects me to walk this road by myself. You know, pull yourself up by your boot straps girl. He pulls me up and He becomes my very strength, I can't walk this road without Him. How easily I forget. 

Today I read Ephesians 13-17:

Ephesians 6:13-17Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

13 This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore,

with truth like a belt around your waist,
righteousness like armor on your chest,
15 and your feet sandaled with readiness
for the gospel of peace.[a]
16 In every situation take the shield of faith,
and with it you will be able to extinguish
all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17 Take the helmet of salvation,
and the sword of the Spirit,
which is God’s word.

And I realized that I have not been using my weapons for this battle. He has given me every weapon I need during every battle I face. The things we go through in life are our battles and if we're not careful we will not handle them rightly. We will become bitter or angry. We won't have peace but turmoil and conflict. We can alienate people and God. We can allow our very selves to change into a person we don't recognize and do not want to be. 

I have Truth, righteousness, peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. 

I must gird myself with these weapons. I must wield them with precision. I must be BRAVE because my Saviour has given me the tools I need and He walks with me.