My Motherhood..

Today my oldest child; Morgan-Britney is 22. It's hard to believe that 22 years has passed by but then some days I can definitely believe it has.

Looking back I remember that scared 16 had old girl who was pregnant and didn't know what to do. For months I ignored my pregnancy hoping it would go away. If I pretended it wasn't true maybe it wouldn't be.  9 weeks into the pregnancy I realized that wasn't working and I had to face what was really going on inside my body.

Standing in the shower one month after her conception and one month before my 16th birthday I was so nauseous. It was that instant I knew I was pregnant. I didn't need to see that second pink line to know.

Being a young mama wasn't easy. It was scary, hard, fun, confusing and lonely. When I married my love 3 years after my daughter's birth I was so ready. I didn't want to walk the parenting road alone any longer.

As my daughter has grown I have also. I have changed from a young fearful girl into a woman. I have met my Lord and given my heart to Him. I have met and married a wonderful man who is still my husband almost 19 yrs later. I have had 11 more children. I have experienced wonderful times and laughter and loss and sadness.

I have grown as a parent and as a mama. I started out with the "I will never do that's" and "my child will never..(filll in the blank). I have realized I will and have done that and my child has or will do this. I have realized motherhood is hard, tiring and crazy but also fulfilling and wonderful!

I have changed my parenting style as my wisdom has grown. I have learned to pick my battles and choose my priorities.

I now smile sweetly at those mama's who have a screaming baby in their arms or the baby screaming in his car seat in the grocery store. I understand. I've been there. I pass no judgment. Instead I hope to offer love and comfort.

I have learned to leave the motherhood contests behind. I am no longer willing to join in the game. Aren't we all just trying to do our best and love them? These blessings Father gave us to raise.  

As our children get older we realize how little those things matter. What we are left with is how much we loved them.. How much time we gave them and the quality of those moments.

My advice to new mama's? Love your children! Hug them! Snuggle them! Listen to them. Really hear what they say. Involve yourself in their life. Slow down and value each moment. Those babies that you can't imagine as a 22 year old will grow up and one day leave your home. It happens so quickly.

Don't forget to breathe! And smile! Oh and laugh too! Laugh a lot! Dance with your children!
Sing with them! Make memories together!

As Ann Voskamp says in One Thousand Gifts: Life is not an emergency!

 Allow yourself the room to change and grow. Don't root your feet to the ground unwilling to move. We evolve as parents and as women. Father teaches and we become new...

He sings over us!

Sweet girl put on such a brave face. They took many pictures of her bowels and tummy to see if she had an obstruction or sphincter issues. 

I softly prayed over her and reminded her Yeshua was with her. "Right there!" she said as she pointed at the space right next to me. 

A little surprise caught us all off guard. In her tummy was a nail. When asked how the nail got in her tummy she smartly replied, "I don't know. I do not eat nails!" 

While she lay on the table during the procedure I sang little made up songs to her teasing her, "Z, the nail eater..silliest girl I know...." 

They believe it will pass on it's own. Relief!

I put my brave face on also. I felt my own eyes tearing up. I really hate seeing any of my children have to go through tests and discomfort. And these days I cry over split milk-literally. I was able to reign in the seemingly never ending tears and whisper encouraging words to my girl!

And as reward for being such a brave girl I got her french toast sticks! Yum!! 

Just like my sweet girl we also worry and are afraid. Although her tests weren't painful or complicated she was afraid. They were BIG to her...the worries and fears. To us, the trials and struggles in life are BIG...

As I held her hand, prayed, sang and whispered encouragement to her so the Father does for us!! In Zephaniah 3:17 it says .......

  The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."



I hold on to these promises. They are water for my thirsty soul! We never walk alone and without hope. He is with us; singing over us with joy! 


   

Admitting Postpartum Depression

This happened in my life...not because I asked for it, worked for it, desired it or chose it. It just happened.

Postpartum depression isn't something that happens to a select few. It isn't in your genes or your fault. It just happens sometimes. It can happen to you and it can happen to me.

In fact it did, happen to me that is...

It's been a hard thing to admit. A hard thing to discuss or tell anyone about. I had to get to one of my lowest points to finally reach the place where I could tell others and admit it to myself.

I've never been any good at admitting my weakness's. The places where I fail..

You mean I have postpartum depression? Me?

I had to stand in the mirror and point my finger at the woman reflecting back at me. Yes, you!

I had to seek the Father in prayer and tell my love. I had to change some areas of my life and keep my ears open to His voice and leading.

I have had to take new steps and let go of the guilt. Ugly word!

And it's still hard to admit to new people Father places in my path...

I know I need to go to the Therapist but I delay to make that appointment because I struggle with bearing my heart to her. I'm afraid to show her how messy my mind is..  how vulnerable I feel.

Do I have good times? yep! And good days! But my bad times are so rough and so chaotic...

There is that flatness and layer of sadness under it all. That's what I want to be rid of!

If you see a woman hand in hand with the Light that would be me. I am learning to always keep my hand lightly in His and at times of greatest need I hold on tightly..

Step by step. Moment by moment. Grace by grace.

Newness

This morning I sit here in my room. The sun shining through my bedroom window shouting out to all who will listen that a new day has arrived..  Newness.  .a new school year, a new season, new changes.

And here in our home that rings true..  we have started our homeschooling year. It has been going well. I am hoping as the year continues things run along smoothly.

Our second day of school my 17 year old son went in for a day surgery. With the help of my older children I was able to keep homeschooling going and our home life moving along.

Today marks our 4th day and I am looking ahead with joy!

Also the fall season is upon us and the fall Feasts will arrive in Sept. beginning with Yom Teruah..

We begin to prepare our hearts for what Father will teach us.

My first lesson will be to really live in the here and now. I am sure that those mama's who have lost a child will understand how my mind can be so occupied with loss and fear..

But a newness has come into my heart..  Elohim wants to break off those chains of bondage that fear and loss have kept me in.

I can't fully live in the joy of NOW because my future is about what if's. What if's - the fear of loss..

Yeshua came to give us abundant life right here, right now!

He speaks gently to my heart telling me to notice the joy everyday..to live fully present here in this moment.

 The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly. John 10:10

So the question I must ask, is will I let the enemy of my soul steal from me? Will I let him keep me so focused on tomorrow and the fear of more loss or pain that I forget how to live today?

So my prayer is that with all the new day to day I will make a choice to live in the moments that make up my todays and leave my tomorrow's in Yahweh's capable and loving hands.    

The Zoo

Monday we went to our local zoo with a fellow homeschooling mama and friend and her 7 children. We all had a nice time! Great things to see and I know the kiddos loved it!

 Just laying in the sun...

 Avlee

 Bears

Babies in the stroller, Morgan-Britney & Zeke checking out the bears.

 Mo & Zeke(love his get me out of here face...:0)

 ZaraLayna

 They do love those bears, don't they??

 Avlee and her big blue eyes!

 KianAdley

 JaidenNoah

Such a pretty tiger! (and big!!)

We have been getting a lot of rain here in the Panhandle of Texas. Everything here on our property looks lush, overgrown and green! I love green so I am really enjoying this summer with all of it's cooler weather and rain!

Until next time!

I am still here..

It has been over a month and I have neglected my blog! I have missed it but life has been busy and I haven't had a chance to get back to it.

Let me put some recent pictures of some things going on here and of course sweet Aibhlinn-Nylia who is growing so quickly as babies tend to do!

Mid June my oldest dd and my two youngest did the Color Run with me! I am still so proud of this achievement!

My girls and I took a few hours one Saturday and went to a bookstore and coffee cafe! We had a great time! Aren't they beautiful??

We have nests with baby birds all over our property and in our hanging plants and trees. 

On Father's Day we made a big breakfast for our favorite Daddy! We used recipes from Pioneer Woman and oh! how delicious they were!! Look at that spread!! 

I am continuing with my weight loss! I have lost 47lbs now!! In fact I have just started a new blog here on Blogger! I moved from Xanga over here so CHECK IT OUT!!! 

Happyhealthymama

My oldest son Josiah enjoys mowing our yard and I am thinking a lot of the other children love it too! It's a family affair!!

 And just one more...my sweet 5 yr. old JaidenNoah! He has Asperger's and I love seeing the world through his eyes! He challenges me and makes me smile! I love this boy!! 

Baby Wearing

A major dilemma. Yes, at Once upon a Child today I faced a major dilemma! I found the item I wanted to look at but to my consternation there was more than I had anticipated. They were there in front of me in all size, shapes, & colors.

 Some with what seemed like a gazillion straps and buckles and others with none. Some on the hangar looked like mini skirts but since that fad went out in the 90's I knew they must be what the tag claimed them to be!

What, you ask was I looking at? Baby carriers! Yes, those pieces of fabric with buckles and straps that we mothers use to carry our babies close to our bodies.

The sheer numbers of choices lends itself to confusion. Deciding which wrap or carrier is your favorite can drive you mad.

So what do most of us do? We buy one or two and sometimes 3 or 4! We use them with our checklist marking off the pros and cons only to discover we need another. This one just isn't working!

That's exactly what I have done. I have had many over the years. And today in Once Upon A Child I took carrier after carrier off of the hangar to try them on and tie or buckle them up.

And at the end of my adventure,  wouldn't you know,  I decided not to buy another one and be content with the one(s) I have!

Yes, I am one of those mama's who wears her babies..if you're like me you know exactly what I'm talking about!!

 

That First Step of Choice!

I felt so dizzy.....

Did I forget, AGAIN, to eat?  Did I eat a small something? Or was it just my coffee this morning?

I was sitting at the dining room table attempting to research something but my hand was shaking and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. As I sat there I begin to realize that this feeling was all too common. Many days I ended up shaky and low on energy because I had not taken the time to eat. Sometimes there just wasn't time for it.

I'm a busy mama. My days are full. My plate is empty.

My days are filled with cleaning, farm chores, homeschooling, laundry, errands, meal planning and preparing, etc.. When is this busy life is there time to eat? Time to take care of me?

We all have to come to a decision to take time to care for ourselves. It took me many years to realize this. I let myself go. Year after year and pregnancy after pregnancy. It wasn't until 2007 after a hard birth where I hemorrhaged did I realize that letting myself go had caught up with me.

In mid Dec. of 2007 I decided to join Weight Watchers and get healthy. I lost 100lbs in about one year  and my life was changed.

But it didn't stop there...
I have to make the same choice in different ways everyday. I have to choose to be aware of those things that sap my energy and leave me feeling weary. I have had to learn to say no when I just don't have enough of me to go around. I have had to find my limits.

I have to make a conscious choice to make time for myself, to exercise, go out to coffee with a friend, read a good book, spend time in Father's word, and relax with my children.
When I remember to do these things my days go better and not only does my body feel healthier but my spirit also!

Father doesn't want us run down and lethargic. He wants to give us life and life abundant.

.....I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10b


There will be hard days and weariness. Life is hard and it can very quickly zap us of our strength but we can make simple little choices to keep our meter running on full instead of empty.

Take a good look at your life, and ask yourself what you can do to put that bounce in your step. What can you do to have a healthy body and spirit? What small thing can you change today which will start you on the road to big changes tomorrow?

Every big change starts with that first small step!!