Happy Mother's Day!!

I want to wish all my readers and mama friends a very happy Mothers Day!

And thank you to my children for making me a mother and letting me experience love I've never known and immeasurable joy!

I Remembered...

I forgot! I let something so beautiful sail right past me. How did I not see? How could I forget?

Last night after writing my blog post I was laying in my bed, thoughts swirling in my brain. And it occurred to me that I have not made it a habit to share with my children about their births. They aren't just my birth stories. They don't just belong to me. They are a part of them also. As a Doula and Childbirth Educator I know how very important it is how we meet our children in that first moment they enter this world. It's important to them too. It's their story. The pregnancy and birth is their beginning. 

So, I said a prayer that I would remember to share with each of them about my pregnancies and births. I then recalled my daughter ZL's pregnancy. It was a very scary time for me. So full of uncertainty and fear. I didn't even know I was pregnant because I had a complete cycle where she should have been flushed out with the uterine lining but instead God was working even in this tiniest of beginnings and she wasn't. I discovered I was pregnant 10 days after I had started that cycle.  I had a lot of spotting. An early u/s showed only a sac but no fetal pole yet. They weren't sure the baby was viable. I heard those words and right there I refused to accept that! I prayed and prayed! And every time I bled I  would lay down and rub more progesterone cream right onto my womb. As I rubbed in the progesterone cream I would pray Psalm 139:5;  You have hedged me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me. 

I would pray this verse over and over with every bit of blood I saw. I would rub in my cream and speak the Word of Life over my child. 

So, to continue, this morning the Lord brought to mind how I needed to share with ZL firstly about my pregnancy with her. I opened my bible and read to her Psalm 139:5. I then shared the story about how fearful and uncertain I was when pg with her. How I prayed this verse over her through the whole pregnancy. And as I held her and we cried; (she is a sensitive spirit this girlie. I begin to cry as I shared with her and she started to cry with me. ) I realized that I had forgotten. I had forgotten His faithfulness! This God who sees; El Roi. He knew. From the very moment the seed met the egg He knew. 

You see, not only was her pregnancy uncertain but after her birth I begin to see some things and I wasn't sure what was going on. I begin to seek help with lactation consultants and my fellow La Leche Leaders. I believed she had an allergy to dairy as so many of the symptoms were just like what I had experienced with my son who was two yrs older than her. Then at  3 months old her little belly ballooned within just a few hours and I could feel her colon through her tummy. We rushed her to the emergency room. After many hours and many tests one older pediatrician who had been around the block a few times figured out what was going on with my precious girl. She had a rare disease called Hirschsprung's Disease. You see, in a baby while in the womb,  weeks 5-13 the nerve cells from the mouth to the anus are being formed. In children with HD they are missing in different parts of the intestines. It can be severe or mild. Thankfully my daughter's was the more mild form. 

As all of this was happening at the hospital and then being with her as she was life flighted to Denver children's hospital I forgot. There were so many people at many different churches praying for her back in our home town. But I was so overcome with fear that any bit of light had been snuffed out by darkness. The fear was so overpowering I begin to experience physical manifestations of it. My heart was skipping beats, constant heart palpitations. I had an over abundance of breastmilk but because of the fear and stress within a few hours I was only able to pump barely an ounce on each side. All I could see was my daughter RuthAnne lying still in my husband's arms and the sirens in the background. All I could see was death stretching out it's arms to swallow me whole. 

But as I held my baby girl ZL today and tears ran down my cheeks I remembered. I remembered those 9 long months where this mama laid my hands over the life in my womb and prayed LIFE over her. Spoke that into her. Prayed that my Lord would hear my humble prayer and hedge my baby behind and before and lay His hand upon her. He did. During those days of pregnancy and then when she was so close to death He kept His hand upon her and hedged her behind and before. When the surgeon said she couldn't handle the surgery but the next morning was surprised to see how well she was and said he could do it. My Father had His hand upon her and was hedging her behind and before. 
During her two life saving surgeries it was my God who had His mighty hand upon her and hedged her behind and before. 
It is my Father who has His hand upon her to this day. He continues to hedge her behind and before. She is a healthy happy 10 yr. old today. 

Fear brought darkness and I forgot but today I remembered! I remembered just Who it is I have given my life over to! I have remembered His faithfulness even in the most hopeless situations. When death is looming and all seems lost...

The scripture I prayed over her given to me by my Lord. He knew what was coming down the road. He knew the end of her life that would come so close..He knew! He saw it all and in His faithfulness and love He gave me my weapon. He gave me my hope. My power!

I will praise you all my days Lord! You are Everlasting Love. You are my Portion. You are my Hope. 
Lord, help me to never again forget your work in my life. In the work of your hands in the life of my child. Help me to see your wonders and stand in awe!

Fear came to destroy and block out the truth. To control and wound but a Light nothing can stop and no darkness can hide from came in with His TRUTH and His LOVE. 

Let me grasp this Everlasting Love Father. Let me not forget!
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Some of our life...

Life has been so busy the last  few months but I wanted to share some moments from our life.

I am so blessed by my children and my husband. I love my life and all the "moments" we get to share with each other.

The Saturday before Easter we took the littles to an Easter Egg Hunt at our church. I had such fun watching them play games and then participate in the egg hunt. They had a ball!! And got lots of candy! Here's some pictures of the fun we had.....

{Our baby girl is being carried on daddy's back..hard to see but she's there! ;)}

The next day Easter Sunday and the service was AWESOME!! We searched a long time for our church and feel so blessed to have found it!! The teens love youth group and the younger ones their classes. Its a blessing to us!

We had to stop by Walmart after church and who did we see but the Easter Bunny, so of course this mama had to get a picture of these two handsome young men. 

A week ago I was able to go to the Spa Day my sweet man got for me! I got an hour long massage, facial and here I am getting a pedicure. I do have to say my feet and toes look mighty purty.. :) 

 

I have been using some awesome supplements and products. Doing my best to take care of myself and be healthy. Health over vanity! Loving my body and myself and treating me right..

Drinking my Lean smoothie while giving my baby girl the best I can...breastmilk...

I even have been doing some yoga, which I love as it keeps me feeling relaxed and peaceful. 

And yes, say hello to this girlie...she is a doll and precious as can be..

 We've added some ducks to the farm...

     Later this month my oldest daughter G and I along with the two babies head to the west coast for a girls trip where we will be seeing one of my wonderful Marines!! I can't wait!! I am going to sink my toes in the sand and my body in the ocean!!

Then in May, one week after I return from my west coast trip I head with my son Q and the two babies to Austin area for a fun time with a sweet friend of mine and her kiddos. It will be a trip of relaxation and adventure! 

In June I'll be taking my daughter G to camp as she'll be on staff again for the entire summer. Then in July we'll drive the 10 hours again to spend the July 4th holiday with her and vacation in Southern Texas. I'm looking forward to that. Except the heat. I have never liked the heat. ;/

Yes, it's going to be a full spring and summer! We also have two birthdays in April, two in May, one in June, one in July and then not anymore until September. 

It will be a whirlwind and full but I couldn't love my family or my life more! Father God has given me many blessings!!  

Blessings to you and yours!  

My identity...

***I deleted my last blog post. Just because something is truth doesn't make it kind. Mud slinging has never accomplished anything. I have been called terrible things by my daughter and over the last few days I realized that's not who I am. I don't want to do that to her. I gave into my anger. I am human after all but that's not the right way...  I want to leave something better for myself and my children..

************************************
I have to get this deep down into my very being...this truth! My daughter is making her own choices for good or for bad. Every thing she says, does and chooses is all hers. She owns it. I own my choices also. They are made by me for good or bad.

I did my best to be a good mama to her. I parented her with my childhood in mind always trying to give her better than what I had. More love and more happiness.

Did I mess up sometimes and miss the mark? You bet I did. But I gave it everything in me. I loved her. Do love her... But now at 24 she has to own her choices. I am not her choices. I am not responsible for them. Nor am I going to experience the consequences of those choices.

For awhile now I have been praying about forgiving. Me forgiving others. People who have gotten involved not using wisdom. My daughter and all the hurt she has caused...

And as I listened to What to do on the Worst Day of Your Life by Brian Zahnd for the second time my answer was given. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. I must choose to forgive her and them. I have to choose it and then walk it out. I can feel bitterness creeping in and I have seen how bitterness causes such ugliness that I don't want that. My desire is to get to the place of seeing her through Jesus's eyes. Loving like that. I am not there but I've made the choice to walk in forgiveness. It may be a walk of months but as I choose it each day I believe God will change my heart and in time I'll look upon each person with His love. 

This is my prayer!!

And I'm learning on the days when I wonder what is the point of motherhood and my joy is gone that I have to parent in the light of eternity. It matters in the end who I served and turned to through it all. I may experience heartbreak because of my children and their choices but Jesus!! He is the answer to every question! In the end all that matters is did I serve Him? Was He my all? Is He my everything? 

My joy and worth are not found in my job as a mother. It is not my identity. My name is A-----.

My identity is only found in Christ! My joy only comes from Him!

        

And I must be like Habukkah in my life...willing to serve my Creator regardless of what the future holds. 

17Though the fig tree does not bud

and there is no fruit on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

18yet I will triumph in •Yahweh;

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!aa

19Yahweh my Lord is my strength;ab

He makes my feet like those of a deerac

and enables me to walk on mountain heights!ad Habukkah 3:17-19

This verse...given to me in the midst of a heart struggle. He truly is perfect in all His ways.

He is working although it may not look like it. He is moving in ways I can not fathom.  

He sees me! And yes, that's enough! I may be hated and gossiped about. I may be blamed and spit upon. Not one person may see my value but my Lord and Saviour Jesus the Messiah sees me! El Roi-the God who sees; sees me!!! That is enough for me! I am enough...and with that I can release a huge sigh of peace and freedom! He has seen...

Christmas memories!

Christmas! We had such a nice Holiday this year! Both my Marines were able to come home on leave so we were all able to be together! The best gifts money can't buy!

One of my favorite parts was on Christmas Eve after the children had gone to bed, my husband and I stuffed all the stockings. Then I stuffed my love's and he stuffed mine!

The next morning we had each of the children get their stocking and then empty them one at a time. It was so much fun! My daughter G handed out her gifts, then my two oldest sons and then my husband and I gave all the children their gifts. It was such a sweet time of family and making memories to last a lifetime. I also remembered the one missing and stopped to say a prayer that she would feel His love and her day would be enjoyable and a blessing to her wherever she is.

We had our traditional day of junk food. Mini egg rolls, brownies, quesadilla's, and crackers and cheese. I made chocolate covered pretzels and we also had cocktail sausages.

We decided to watch Maze Runner Scorch Trials together.

It was nice just being together! A great day!! But truly the best gifts were my children. Having my boys home from Marine land was what made my holiday! I've missed them so very much! One of them although we skype, call and text I had not seen him face to face for 9 months. These two young men are my heart and having them here made me feel complete once again. Saying goodbye will be so hard. But we'll see them again...I'll cherish these memories and moments!

We've unfortunately had too much sickness hit our home this winter. Stomach bugs and colds, Yuck! But when my kiddos are sick we get in lots of cuddles.

I've been working this fall on getting in cuddle time with my children. Even my older ones who may squirm at their mama hugging them. I've learned children grow up so quickly and I work hard at making sure they know how much I love them every chance I get. I also love to cuddle and hug them for me! I need it too! The time goes by all too fast!

I have been doing a new type of prayer. I came across this book; Praying in Color and I love it. My time with Father is richer and I retain more easily my prayers throughout the day and week.

Just a few pictures to share of my babies;

My sweet A...

She is a joyful, sweet, funny, loving baby girl! 

This little man K, he comes and snuggles with me every morning and sticks his freezing feet on my legs. Brr!! Isn't he adorable?

 K & A..

My beautiful baby girl! I am thankful for her everyday!

Their favorite characters; Olaf and Elsa!

My mini men....

This handsome guy? My heart! Love him so! And so proud of him! He is doing so well and making a good life for himself! I couldn't wait until he came home for the holidays. I anxiously waited and watched for his plane to arrive. It was so wonderful seeing him walking towards us!

This handsome young man? He had been planning a surprise for me since October. We were Christmas shopping at target and I turned around and there he was! I had thought he wasn't coming home! It was the sweetest and most precious surprise I've had!!! My heart! I love him so!   

This girlie is my beauty; G. She is special and sweet! Funny and amazing! How quickly they grow up! Looking forward to seeing what God has for her in the years ahead!

Well, that's it! Memories recorded! I am blessed beyond measure!

Oh yes, I can't end without adding this man...

He is the best part of me and seeing him everyday makes my days better. He is with me through thick and thin and holds me up when I am falling. He never gives up on me and loves me regardless. And we make such beautiful babies together!

Now y'all go and make your own memories. !! Life is made up of hard times and some sad but so many moments of beautiful too! 

  

Happy Birthday to You!!!

Today my oldest daughter is 24. I really can't believe it! How has 24 yrs gone by so quickly?!

I don't know if she'll ever see this and that's ok. I have decided to come here every year on December 16 to wish her a Happy Birthday and to share my memories of her. And I have such wonderful memories!

One memory that is fresh on my mind is due to Facebook and the memory they reminded me of. It was the end of 2011 and she hijacked my fb account because I had left it open and said such sweet words.

I believe it was her 4th birthday. Her daddy and I threw her a birthday party and we spent hours working on her cake. We made it all from scratch and frosted it with pink frosting and decorated it all princess like and flowery. She loved it. We had so much fun! The best part was seeing her face light up when she saw her cake!

Another memory was at almost 5. We were in MT for my friend's college graduation. We had decided to head out to eat with my friend and her mom. While sitting in the booth next to M she stood up and it was then my friend's mom let me know she had no underwear on with her dress, which wasn't very long. LOL! M had decided that she wasn't going to wear any underwear! I was so embarrassed at the time but now I just laugh. She was such a fun little lady! She had her own mind from the very beginning!

When M was 6 she dropped her hot dog in the snow and mud outside. So to be able to eat it as instructed by her daddy she washed it off in the bathroom, bun and all! :)

As a little girl she couldn't get her coat on by herself so she figured out a way she could do it without any help. She would lay her coat out on the floor and then lay down on it putting her arms in and then standing up. All done!

M was such a good helper. She was always willing to lend me a hand with her siblings. One of her favorite things to do was cook. Her first meal was macaroni and cheese. She did great too!

As a young adult she was such an encourager. When I had been hurt or wounded she was the first to encourage me and give me a big hug! She would remind me how much she loved me and of who I really was.  I valued her so very much!

I remember also as she was a young woman here in our home I would just look at her often, without her knowing I was doing so and think to myself how blessed I was to have her as my daughter. I was always hoping that I could love Jesus as much as she did, to encourage like she did, to be like her in so many ways. She had a light that just shined so brightly!

I will cherish the last note she wrote to me the day before she left. It said how much she loved me and how I would always be her hero. What she doesn't know is that she was my Hero! She was my best friend, confidant and my daughter! She was a blessing and gift. She was gracious and beautiful! She was giving and kind. I admired her so much!

As a baby M was always so happy. Everyone would comment on her cheery personality! At night to get her to sleep I would lay her down in her crib and play music for her. She loved it and would fall asleep within minutes.

She went everywhere with me. I remember sitting at the mall with her. Giggling over her laughter and cooing. She was a joy!

Her Daddy and I enjoyed listening to her and reading her stories as a little girl. She had a great imagination. I still have her school work and poem and stories she wrote! We will cherish them always!

Daddy was so proud of her. He would tell me often how smart she was and how amazing she would be as a grown woman. He believed in her ability to be a famous author someday and still talks about it today. Maybe one day we will see her name on a book she has written!

So many beautiful memories! I could go on and on but I will write again of them next December 16th.
If you ever read this M, you are loved and valued. You are not forgotten. You are our daughter and nothing will ever change that. We are always praying for you and always leaving the light on for you. Here in our hearts and at home.
Love you M.

Happy Birthday!! May your new path be blessed and may you find love, peace and hope.

       

 

I Am a Fighter and I Have a Mighty Father!!

 Warning: this post isn't pretty. But it's honest.

Over this last year I have been battered and bruised. I have been hit over the head with a baseball bat with a lot of ugliness.

piece of shit- Slam
asshole- Slam
failure as a mom- Slam
failure as a wife- Slam
die- Slam
failure as a Christian- Slam
liar- Slam
worthless- Slam
abuser- Slam
hater- Slam
I hate you- Slam
you deserve it- Slam
crazy- Slam

and on and on....

It's a fight everyday to grab hold of the truth and let it sink deep into my heart and head.
It's a fight to not cry, every second of everyday.
It's a fight to find the truth stuck buried inside the lies.
It's a fight to think clearly and not fall underneath the stress and pain.
It's a fight to find myself in the heap of lies and distortions swirling about me.
It's a fight everyday to listen to His voice.
It's a fight to forgive those who inflict pain with their words and lies.
It's a fight to forgive those who have betrayed me.
It's a fight!!
But I AM A FIGHTER! and I HAVE A MIGHTY FATHER!

I am worthy in Jesus.
I am His beloved.
I am beautiful.
I am imperfect but He loves me anyway.
I am redeemed by the Creator of the Universe.
I am His daughter.
I am royalty.
I am strong in Christ when I am weak.
I fail but He helps me try again.
I am a sinner but saved by His amazing and free gift of love.
I am just a woman made of flesh and bone but He is a Warrior and fights for me.
I don't have to be a perfect mama, wife or friend. I am human. Jesus made me that way. And loves me anyway.
I have His peace which surpasses all understanding.
I am an Overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb!
I am accepted in all my failings.
I have been chosen by the Almighty God and adopted as His child.
I know He is working beauty for ashes in my life.
I am complete in Christ.
I am accepted.
I am a new creation.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I AM A FIGHTER and I HAVE A MIGHTY FATHER!

Memories in a treasure box

I haven't written at all in my blog for quite awhile. To be honest I have had so little joy these past many months. Ive been walking a hard rode but thankfully the light has shined in my darkness and I'm feeling more like myself again.
 I want to blog for the memories. I'm learning how valuable they are. That's one thing that can never be taken from me. Not with lies, hurt, anger or distortions. They are mine. Memories remind us of sweetness and joy and most importantly of God's goodness and faithfulness in our lives. Someday I can share them with my children. I can hand them over in a treasure box sealed with the many tears I have cried, the many prayers I have prayed along with the laughter and joy felt in each one.

I am so proud of my children. Ive been blessed with some amazing people! My two oldest sons are Marines and they are both doing great. I just want them to be happy and have successful lives even if that looks different than the picture I have in my mind. I don't expect perfection. I just want them to be happy and enjoy life living it to the fullest, loving others and trying their best at succeeding at all they do.

My daughter G is a sweet blessing also. She spent the entire summer 10 hours away working on staff at a Christian camp. She did great especially since it was her first time away from home for any amount of time. She's hoping to return this next summer.

When we went to pick her up I was so happy to see how she had blossomed and grown. Her faith had grown and changed. She saw adults living out there faith before her and realized that faith is a living breathing thing. She, for the first time saw for herself who she is in Christ. She had her own personal experience with him. I looked at her with such joy as she shared with me how she finds her worth in Him and not others or things of this world. She shines!! She is so much like her Daddy. She has his loving giving heart. I love seeing that in her.

My other children are growing! Yes, they do grow so quickly. I am trying to remember to cherish each day. It's hard sometimes. I get tired and worn down and when you are walking through a storm that life has brought your way it's so easy to get caught up in it and forget to look around at all the blessings right in front of you. I've been guilty of that. So I'm trying harder to store each sweet memory away in that box of treasure.

Can you believe that Q is 15! Time slips by so quickly! His older brother gave him his first cell phone for his birthday. He is loving it. Most of the time you can find him on it playing a game or texting his brothers or grandparents. Ive enjoyed being able to text him now too! We've had to set some limits so schoolwork gets done but he's doing well with them.

M is 13. He brings so much laughter into my life. He is a bubble of joy! He always has a smile or a laugh even when things are hard. I've been thinking on his twin sister a lot this month. She passed away when she was about a month old. I wish she was here to share in her brother's life. I know they would have such fun together and she would see what I see when  look at him.

My 2 year old A started saying, "I love you Mama!" about a month ago. It is just the sweetest thing I could ever hear! She and her baby sister E are so much fun! I enjoy them so much. And they enjoy each other too. Their Daddy jokes they are going to be like our oldest two boys were when they were little once E is walking. And my oldest two boys were a handful. Into everything and causing lots of trouble. They egged each other on and were always finding new ways to cause mischief! :)

I turns 12 next month! He is such a caring boy, always wanting to help. He does have a temper though but he's getting better. We all have ways we can improve. I'm proud of him for how well he is doing with it.

K is 5 and still my shadow. He calls me his cutie. :) He still says the funniest things and makes us all laugh. He is a handful too! He is so smart and I think trouble just finds him. :)

Z just turned 10. We had a tea party for her bday. I had such a great time decorating the table and house for her. I made it very girlie and beautiful for her. I wanted to make her feel special and very lady like. 9 girls came over to celebrate with her and it was a lot of fun! We did the cha cha slide with all the girls and it was so cute watching them all!

JN turns 8 this weekend. He is doing so much better with his letters and numbers. And as he learns them his vocabulary is improving too. He is awesome actually at numbers and Math. He is smart! He loves our hens and new chicks which have started to lay. Everyday he goes out looking for their brown eggs and hopes that the green/blue ones will be there too. Animals make him happy. His focus. I want to encourage him in what he enjoys and likes.

My husband and I are doing well. Marriage isn't easy and it takes work. Everyday you have to be willing to work and understand and put someone else before yourself. Not always easy things to do but I've been blessed with a good man who sees all my ugly and loves me anyway. He cherishes me. I am so thankful for him!

I have had to take a hard look at myself over these past months. I had to face my demons so to speak and deal with things I didn't want too. I had to admit my failures and accept my faults. And I have had to let go of what others say and think and recognize truth. I've changed a lot but I'm stronger because of it. I love the song "You knew Me When" by Leona Lewis. It describes very much the changes I've experienced. I've learned to forgive myself, to know and recognize truth, to allow myself to be human and to not let anyone tell me what I'm worth. I think it's a good change. God uses all things for our good. Even though they are painful He takes them and gives us beauty. That reminds me of a very good book I read, "Beauty of Broken" by Elisa Morgan. Read it! You won't regret it!

Hopefully the next time I post here on my blog will not be so long. I am going to try to do better and record memories!