My identity...

***I deleted my last blog post. Just because something is truth doesn't make it kind. Mud slinging has never accomplished anything. I have been called terrible things by my daughter and over the last few days I realized that's not who I am. I don't want to do that to her. I gave into my anger. I am human after all but that's not the right way...  I want to leave something better for myself and my children..

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I have to get this deep down into my very being...this truth! My daughter is making her own choices for good or for bad. Every thing she says, does and chooses is all hers. She owns it. I own my choices also. They are made by me for good or bad.

I did my best to be a good mama to her. I parented her with my childhood in mind always trying to give her better than what I had. More love and more happiness.

Did I mess up sometimes and miss the mark? You bet I did. But I gave it everything in me. I loved her. Do love her... But now at 24 she has to own her choices. I am not her choices. I am not responsible for them. Nor am I going to experience the consequences of those choices.

For awhile now I have been praying about forgiving. Me forgiving others. People who have gotten involved not using wisdom. My daughter and all the hurt she has caused...

And as I listened to What to do on the Worst Day of Your Life by Brian Zahnd for the second time my answer was given. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. I must choose to forgive her and them. I have to choose it and then walk it out. I can feel bitterness creeping in and I have seen how bitterness causes such ugliness that I don't want that. My desire is to get to the place of seeing her through Jesus's eyes. Loving like that. I am not there but I've made the choice to walk in forgiveness. It may be a walk of months but as I choose it each day I believe God will change my heart and in time I'll look upon each person with His love. 

This is my prayer!!

And I'm learning on the days when I wonder what is the point of motherhood and my joy is gone that I have to parent in the light of eternity. It matters in the end who I served and turned to through it all. I may experience heartbreak because of my children and their choices but Jesus!! He is the answer to every question! In the end all that matters is did I serve Him? Was He my all? Is He my everything? 

My joy and worth are not found in my job as a mother. It is not my identity. My name is A-----.

My identity is only found in Christ! My joy only comes from Him!

        

And I must be like Habukkah in my life...willing to serve my Creator regardless of what the future holds. 

17Though the fig tree does not bud

and there is no fruit on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

18yet I will triumph in •Yahweh;

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!aa

19Yahweh my Lord is my strength;ab

He makes my feet like those of a deerac

and enables me to walk on mountain heights!ad Habukkah 3:17-19

This verse...given to me in the midst of a heart struggle. He truly is perfect in all His ways.

He is working although it may not look like it. He is moving in ways I can not fathom.  

He sees me! And yes, that's enough! I may be hated and gossiped about. I may be blamed and spit upon. Not one person may see my value but my Lord and Saviour Jesus the Messiah sees me! El Roi-the God who sees; sees me!!! That is enough for me! I am enough...and with that I can release a huge sigh of peace and freedom! He has seen...