His Purpose

Isn't it funny how sometimes your world seems to stop but the earth keeps turning and everyone keeps on living while you feel that you have stopped? 


This was me all of last week. Today? I have moments of beauty and moments of ugly. Moments filled with smiles covering my face and moments of sadness where my eyes fill with tears. 
I am improving and ever so slowly my world is starting to turn.


The hurt is still there and my heart is still bleeding but the gush has slowed to a trickle. 


The hardest thing to deal with is the longing unfulfilled and the disappointment. A life, although short; lost. 


I decided to name my baby..I have chosen Shalom. Shalom=peace..Chosen because I believe Father has given me much peace during this time and this word; Shalom; is what Father is speaking into my heart for my life regardless of what hurts surround. I still hurt and I still cry but in the midst of all of that I have peace. Peace; Shalom, rest in Father's will & plan for my life. His purpose. 


While studying Daniel Boone during homeschooling today with my 9 yr. old Micah we came across this quote:


 I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks.”

~ Daniel Boone~

This is me. I have never been lost because the Creator of everything has me in the palm of His hand. But I have been confused and yes for the last several weeks even..I have felt lost but I "know" that Father can always find me for He keeps me close. I am kept as the apple of His eye. 

 Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings~ Psalm 17:8

+ A side note: something that I was reminded of the past few days..in Hebrew the word "believe" means trust and obey..It's not just this fuzzy feeling that we feel. It's an action. We believe in Yeshua Messiah and then we act on that belief by trusting Him and obeying Him. 

Neither of those things come easily. They go against our sinful nature. But we can begin by trusting Him in the small things in our lives and then work up to the bigger things. We can read His commandments and then act on them; obeying Him. 

I have chosen to trust Father with the loss of this baby. Trusting Him and again His purpose. Do I understand? No I don't. Am I hurting? Yes, but I still trust Him even in this. And then I can obey; following His word. Living it out in my life. Starting with the commandment that all the laws hang upon; Love thy neighbor as thyself.. 

I then move on from there. 

I love you Father..help me to love you more...

1 John 5:2-3

New International Version (NIV)

² This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. ³ In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome   

Joy Dare # 23-29

I am going to use this blog post to get caught up on the joy dare for the last week.

23. 3 gifts found in Yeshua Messiah
      a. redeemed not condemned
      b. restoration
      c. the holy spirit sent to help us obey Father's Torah of love..

24. 3 things blue
      a. my heart
      b. my bible
      c. the sky

25. one grace borrowed, one grace found, one grace inherited
      a. my children, who truly belong to Him
      b. He is my Warrior who does fight for me!
      c. my grandpa's sweet kindness

26. a gift before nine am, gift before noon, a gift after dark
      a.  my children's laughter I hear through the closed door..
      b. my sweet man cuddling with me
      c. prayer

27. 3 gifts that might never have been
      a. growth in Messiah
      b. my marriage to the man of my dreams
      c. our new home

28. 3 graces found in your friends
      a. willingness to sit and just listen
      b. holding my hand and wrapping me in a hug
      c. prayer!! (and chocolate!)

29. a song heard, a soft wind, where you saw light
      a. "the one you say goodnight to" by Kina Grannis
      b. the Spirit when it moves
      c. at the bottom of a deep hole Light illuminated and showed me the way out..  

Boundaries

I guess I have been lapse in setting boundaries. Today I realized that I must set boundaries. I must. I try so hard to exercise graciousness with others that my personal limits get overstepped frequently and then with that the peace that is hard won takes its leave.

Wise words today from a sister in Father helped me realize that my direction doesn't change based on anything said or done. Father leads my dh and I in His ways. He speaks to us as to what we are to do, the road we're to walk, etc.. And what happens in our lives is based on the conviction that Father has given us.

I guess the world at large just isn't sure how to take a woman who greatly desires another child..who hurts when her womb is emptied of life...I am an oddity. There are those of us out there that are oddities..

I keep thinking of the song God's Own Fool by Michael Card. I am God's fool. I desire babies rightly, as scripture tells us that is a good thing. I know I please my Heavenly Father when I place my trust in Him and His purposes and plans.

Something I have been thinking on; walking a road where Father is given freedom to work in my body and life is not an easy road. It's a constant road where I daily have to choose to trust, and to not be afraid, to cling to Him when I am. Controlling it would be so much easier. Nothing left to chance...everything in control..
For me, it's a faith walk everyday. I like to be in control. I do as most of us do. I would like life to be laid out neatly and in order. I like things to be neat and organized. But life is messy. Nothing is certain. All I can count on is my Father in whom I put my faith and hope.

I am weak. Show me someone that isn't..I am hurting. I lose hope. My trust falters. But I know who to turn to. I know who holds my future. I don't have to be strong and never falter. Father knows my pain and my hurts. I am so glad that He allows me to be weak, to hurt, hopeless and to falter...Scripture tells us he gives strength to the weak and upholds those who falter.
He carries us when we can no longer carry ourselves. I have nothing to show Him. He knows all. He sees all.

Thank You Father! I love you...help me to love you more..

For when we grieve..

Isn't it interesting how we as humans comfort ourselves after a loss or trial..
"It could be worse." "At least it was early on." " There will be others" "It's probably for the best as something could have been wrong."

None of these pithy little sayings do anything to actually help heal the wound left in our hearts. But yet, others and sometimes even those who are going through the loss or trial will try to console themselves this way.

This time of vulnerability seems to leave the door open for others to give advice that most times isn't wanted. And if it is at some point it certainly isn't while the storm is raging.

When mama's lose a baby to m/c early on or later in the pregnancy there are so many emotions swirling in their hearts and so many thoughts in their minds. So many what ifs..
I know in my mind I am asking myself questions, "Did I cause the loss of this baby?" "Was it from the medicine I was on for my teeth?" "Was it the ibuprofen I took which caused a bad implantation?" "Or was the pregnancy doomed from the beginning?" "Was this baby never meant to be" " Why did Father answer my prayer but then take it away so quickly?" "Will there be more babies?" and on they go never stopping.

The best medicine for healing is time.

The best way to help a wounded soul? Simply be willing to listen or just sit. Let them cry when they need to and be angry when they need to.
Hug them and comfort them through touch. Call them and check up on them. Or email.
Don't tell them to get over it in yay so many days. It takes TIME! Not the time on your time table but the time on theirs.
And don't offer advice or little verbal this or that. They don't make it better and most often make it worse.

I have been surprised these last few days. Those I thought would be there aren't and those I did not are. Sometimes during trials & loss we discover more about ourselves and those in our lives. Not all of it good but I imagine it as separating the wheat from the chaff as scripture tells us. This is the picture in my mind..

Here is a link to a list of what to when a parent loses a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or death. For those of you who want to be able to help those in your lives going through this. (thank you Sombra!)
http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/2012/01/bereaved-parents-wish-list.html?spref=fb&m=1

The testing..

I have been struggling with trusting Father's plan for my life for months. I just haven't been happy about the way He is doing things. I felt like He was the puppet master and I the puppet. Did He even care or hear my cries up there??

Sometimes the Father has to let us get to a place..perhaps through trials and not getting our own way or our prayers being answered with no over and over again that we finally succumb to His will. Maybe in all this we can see His purpose and plan?  Maybe when we don't understand and we whisper, "Why not me?" or "Why me?" we can hear His still small voice ask us "why not you?" Maybe we can hear Him say to us.."look at your sweet children..10 wonderful blessings from me...look at your marriage..your husband who blesses you everyday..look at the many riches in this life I have blessed you with..don't ask why or why not..be thankful..be thankful for these blessings and don't forget to thank me for them for they come from me!"

We can choose to live our lives being unthankful. Not happy that we don't have the things we think we need. Always wanting more.  Never realizing all that we do have! Desires aren't wrong, but if they are not desired under the will of Father than they can become these "angry", "painful" things..

One night before that beautiful pink line I lay in bed praying and communing with Father. I was praying for something my heart longed for and had for many months. Laying there in the dark I finally realized that Father truly knows all things. He sees the beginning to the end. Everything in between is either where we begin or helps us get to the end...and at the end-LOVE. And out of no where I knew that I trusted Him. I trusted His purpose and His plan for my life even if that meant my desire would never be fulfilled.

So I opened my mouth and told Father "I trust You. I trust in Your purposes and Your plan for my life. That doesn't mean I'm not sad when Your answer is no. It still hurts, but I trust that You know what's best and know much better than I." Speaking these words truly did fill me with peace and a sense of freedom. Freedom to let God be God and to let Jewel be Jewel...

And now a bit shy of a week those words I spoke are being tested. I am not angry at Father. My first emotion knowing the baby was gone wasn't anger just a deep sadness. A deep pain of loss for all those hopes and dreams. All that longing! As I sat after getting off the phone with a friend of mine and had a moment to think it hit me square between the eyes. Here is my test..Do I, will I trust Him; His purposes & His plan? Do I truly believe He knows the Beginning from the end..that all those things in between start us and lead us to Him?  Peace filled me as the answer to those questions became clear. Yes, I do trust Him and His purpose & plan. I trust Him today, tomorrow and always. I know he knows best so much more than I. Even in heartache and loss, in sickness and health, in happy & sad.

Scripture tells us He is all in all..I can see that now. He is in all things..all the tears I have cried today. All the pain I have felt. All the disappointment and anguish. Not just in the pain though..He is the smiles and the laughter and those silly things my littles do. He is in the rain and the beautiful flowers my dh brings me now and then. He is in those words my dh spoke to me, " You truly are a blessing to me. It will get better in time"
He is all in all..all things begin in Him and end in Him.

I do believe in His will. His plan and His purpose. For me! For me! For my life!

I opened up my devotional for today and Father had something waiting for me there..let me share it with ya'll here;

January 24

My peace is the treasure of treasures; the pearl of great price. It is an exquisitely costly gift, both for the Giver and the receiver. I purchased this peace for you with My blood. You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms. If you have the world's peace-everything going your way- you don't seek My unfathomable peace. Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials. Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world. Expect them each day. Rejoice in the face of hardship, for I have overcome the world.

James 1:2

Amplified Bible (AMP)

²Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

John 16:33

Amplified Bible (AMP)

³³I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

Isaiah 55:9
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughtsthan your thoughts.


Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my Strength and my [impenetrable] Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him.


Proverbs 3:5
Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.




I love you Father..help me to love You more..

I am not pg lost baby..

Joy Dare & a Perfect World

22. one grace wrinkled, one grace smoothed, one grace unfolded
      a. a letter you write but never send
      b. taking said letter out of garbage
      c. words that contain all those things never known

Today, I am having trouble finding my joy. It's lost out there some where in a perfect world that lives on only in my imagination. In this perfect world the word you speak is the word you keep, hearts aren't broken and dreams dashed. Our expectations of our loved ones are always lived up too and negativity is always positive. In this perfect world babies are valued and mothers respected, fathers are treated with honor and grandparents cherish their grandchildren.
Birthdays are never forgotten and toys abound. Promises are fulfilled and actually mean something, truth is never hidden and feelings are never hurt.
Sisters are friends forever and share each others high and lows. Differences are varied and encouraged.
No one is treated as though they are stupid or told they are bad, people respect each other and kindness is spread.
No one is less than a priority on another's list. All are made to feel that they matter, you matter they say..
Harsh words are never spoken that crush a person's soul, death is celebrated as part of life and birth as newness.
Families really love each other regardless of who each person is. They listen and take an interest, family is important and loving God above all else.
In this perfect world men walk with integrity and women are treated as diamonds never battered or abused. And women love their men truly letting them be men.
Mama's put their babies before themselves and sacrifice all.
In this world LOVE prevails...He walks with us and talks with us..LOVE is all in all...

This world isn't perfect though because the one that is isn't.

Joy Dare # 20-21

20. 3 gifts you saw only when you got close-up
      a. the gift of friendship; sometimes you only realize how special it is when it's gone but the joy to have it again. new and fresh with all the hope and possibilities.
      b. the smell of my love's neck after a shower...
      c. tears running down a masculine face as he holds two pg tests in his hands

21. one thing in the sky, one thing from your memory, one thing that's ugly-beautiful
      a. blue skies and bright sunshine over our area of texas
      b. playing barbies with my sister; outlining our barbie houses with string and then adding our barbie furniture
      c. a destroyed life given to Yeshua Messiah; He makes all things new!

It's true! I am;