Everyday's Choice!

Today is not a good day. I am feeling sorry for myself. I have come a little ways in my thinking. I can admit it. I can admit to having a temper tantrum directed at the Father. I can admit to being angry at Him. 


I have a choice everyday. I can choose to be dependent on Him or I can choose self pity, anger, giving up and perhaps walking away. 


Very rarely, at least for me, life goes exactly as I picture it. Most often my plans end up being discarded. My days don't fit the detailed itinerary I have wanted for them. My life doesn't go according to plan. My prayers, as seems to be happening lately float somewhere in space and the exact opposite of what I asked for is given. 


My first inclination is to throw my hands up in the air and give up. My second is to get angry and yell, (yes I did do a bit of that this morning). My 3rd choice? Dependence on Father to guide me through my disappointment, hurt, anger, grumpiness, frustration, etc.. To surrender my ways to His ways and boy, does that never get old! This is what is constant in life isn't it? Choosing Him and His plan?    


So today as I realized I am finally willing to choose Him; of course after my self pity, anger, wanting to give up, frustration, etc..Father gives me these verses. 

 ²⁴Up to this time you have not asked a [single] thing in My Name [as ^[b]presenting all that I AM]; but now ask and keep on asking and you will receive, so that your joy (gladness, delight) may be full and complete. ~ John 16:24 (Amplified)


¹⁷Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly] ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:17


Now to fully understand just how wonderful our Father is you would have to know that this morning during my moments of anger, frustration, self pity, (sounds like a fit, doesn't it?) I said out loud, mind you, that I wasn't going to pray anymore about this certain thing. And what good could it possibly be doing??


Yes, it's true I said that!  


Those scripture verses were Father's answer plain as day! Couldn't have been any plainer even if He had sent a lightening bolt along with them!


Did I ever doubt He is hearing me or my prayers?? Well, obviously I did. Do you see the smile on His face?  


BLESSINGS by Laura Story- 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

My 17th Anniversary!!

This past weekend my dh and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. Wow! To me, being married for 17 years is quite the accomplishment! I remember on my wedding day I was just a scared young girl. I was so nervous I couldn't even look at my sweet man and kept my head down during the ceremony. I did finally get brave enough to look up at him and I saw such love in his eyes.

For years after our wedding day I would tell my man he was my Hosea. If you have read the book of Hosea in Scripture you will understand. Hosea continually loved his wife regardless of what she did. She did some awful things but over and over he would take her back and love her. She came from a bad background and sin but still Hosea loved her. He was listening to the voice of Father. He was a Godly man.

Father used my dh to show me His love. That He would love me just as my man loved me. That He would never leave me and would forever be my Saviour! It has been through my sweet love that I have learned Who Father truly is, about His mercy & His love. About stability and hope!

So fast forward 17 years and our weekend away. I found a B&B about 4 1/2 hrs south. I have to say that the pictures on the website did not do the place justice! It was so beautiful and romantic. My dh didn't know where we were going and he was so pleased and surprised when we got there and walked in. It was the perfect atmosphere to celebrate our life and love.

Our weekend was glorious and perfect. Being together and sharing love. Our lives and our hearts!
So let me share some of that with you:

  
The B&B was in Buffalo Gap, Tx which was maybe 2 miles from Abilene.

Aren't the cactus huge?? These were all over in this area of Texas.

This is where we stayed. We had this entire small home to ourselves. It was an old church they turned into a B&B. A little cottage.

Over the front door it says Peace and Grace to All Who Enter Here...

I took this when we arrived Friday evening.

And this is what we saw when we walked in. Just beautiful and romantic!

Another view of the bed. So neat!

The bathroom. We enjoyed the old claw foot tub!

Me and my love. Behind us is a fireplace. You turned it on with a remote. It was cool! And again very romantic..!!

Some silly pictures..:)

We brought our baby boy with us..we had to get one of him in front of the door too!

We were getting ready to head out for our anniversary supper and I was goofing around..;)

We had to get some pictures on the porch swing of course!

I gave my sweet man some cookie monster pj pants because in our home the kiddos call him the cookie monster. When the kiddos make brownies or cookies he eats ALOT! He loved them. We stayed in a motel on our way home due to a snow storm. I had to get a picture of him in them.

More scenery

another one of my precious baby...

At our ann. supper my love surprised me with this beautiful necklace!

My love and I.

Joy Dare # 30-31

I have two last days to catch up which will finish the Joy Dare I was doing.

30. 3 old things seen new
      a.  La'chaim..to life
      b. tired body made new with health
      c. old worn out furniture

31. a gift found on a paper, in person, in a picture
      a. a love note from my husband of 17 yrs.!
      b. kindness & love in hard times
      c. my mom when she was young..

Joy

I found joy. I found it in giving of myself to help decorate for a young woman's wedding. In making something dull look beautiful!
In the hearts spread all around, silver and red..brightness and pretty...

In knowing that others know my pain. They understand. In that knowing look or listening ear. In companionship. Just being around other women who are becoming friends I value!

It's surprising the places we find joy. Places we wouldn't expect. Father likes to give the unexpected, doesn't He?

The Mikveh

Last night my sweet love and I shared in a wonderful symbol of cleansing and dedication. I immersed myself into hot water with candles burning, the cd player playing some soft music and a bible laying close by.

 
My dh sat near me and read Psalm 128. He then laid his hands upon my womb and prayed a prayer of dedication. My womb given and dedicated to Father..to life..He is the giver.

This ceremony we did together is called a Mikveh.  A Mikveh is: a complete immersion into water; a cleansing...The term Mikveh in Hebrew literally means any gathering of waters. 


  There are many reasons to perform a Mikveh,  a few being:

 If a woman has a monthly period.


we are to immerse ourselves whenever we profess a life-changing commitment. 

 we are to immerse ourselves whenever we receive special spiritual revelation. 

 we are to immerse ourselves as an act of thanksgiving.   

Psalm 128 which my dh read over me during my mikveh..

Psalm 128

A Song of Ascents.

 ^1[a]BLESSED (HAPPY, fortunate, to be envied) is everyone who fears, reveres, and worships the Lord, who walks in His ways and lives according to His commandments.

    ²For you shall eat [the fruit] of the labor of your hands; happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) shall you be, and it shall be well with you.

    ³Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the innermost parts of your house; your children shall be like olive plants round about your table.

    ⁴Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord.

    ⁵May the Lord bless you out of Zion [His sanctuary], and may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life;

    ⁶Yes, may you see your children's children. Peace be upon Israel!

His Purpose

Isn't it funny how sometimes your world seems to stop but the earth keeps turning and everyone keeps on living while you feel that you have stopped? 


This was me all of last week. Today? I have moments of beauty and moments of ugly. Moments filled with smiles covering my face and moments of sadness where my eyes fill with tears. 
I am improving and ever so slowly my world is starting to turn.


The hurt is still there and my heart is still bleeding but the gush has slowed to a trickle. 


The hardest thing to deal with is the longing unfulfilled and the disappointment. A life, although short; lost. 


I decided to name my baby..I have chosen Shalom. Shalom=peace..Chosen because I believe Father has given me much peace during this time and this word; Shalom; is what Father is speaking into my heart for my life regardless of what hurts surround. I still hurt and I still cry but in the midst of all of that I have peace. Peace; Shalom, rest in Father's will & plan for my life. His purpose. 


While studying Daniel Boone during homeschooling today with my 9 yr. old Micah we came across this quote:


 I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks.”

~ Daniel Boone~

This is me. I have never been lost because the Creator of everything has me in the palm of His hand. But I have been confused and yes for the last several weeks even..I have felt lost but I "know" that Father can always find me for He keeps me close. I am kept as the apple of His eye. 

 Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings~ Psalm 17:8

+ A side note: something that I was reminded of the past few days..in Hebrew the word "believe" means trust and obey..It's not just this fuzzy feeling that we feel. It's an action. We believe in Yeshua Messiah and then we act on that belief by trusting Him and obeying Him. 

Neither of those things come easily. They go against our sinful nature. But we can begin by trusting Him in the small things in our lives and then work up to the bigger things. We can read His commandments and then act on them; obeying Him. 

I have chosen to trust Father with the loss of this baby. Trusting Him and again His purpose. Do I understand? No I don't. Am I hurting? Yes, but I still trust Him even in this. And then I can obey; following His word. Living it out in my life. Starting with the commandment that all the laws hang upon; Love thy neighbor as thyself.. 

I then move on from there. 

I love you Father..help me to love you more...

1 John 5:2-3

New International Version (NIV)

² This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. ³ In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome   

Joy Dare # 23-29

I am going to use this blog post to get caught up on the joy dare for the last week.

23. 3 gifts found in Yeshua Messiah
      a. redeemed not condemned
      b. restoration
      c. the holy spirit sent to help us obey Father's Torah of love..

24. 3 things blue
      a. my heart
      b. my bible
      c. the sky

25. one grace borrowed, one grace found, one grace inherited
      a. my children, who truly belong to Him
      b. He is my Warrior who does fight for me!
      c. my grandpa's sweet kindness

26. a gift before nine am, gift before noon, a gift after dark
      a.  my children's laughter I hear through the closed door..
      b. my sweet man cuddling with me
      c. prayer

27. 3 gifts that might never have been
      a. growth in Messiah
      b. my marriage to the man of my dreams
      c. our new home

28. 3 graces found in your friends
      a. willingness to sit and just listen
      b. holding my hand and wrapping me in a hug
      c. prayer!! (and chocolate!)

29. a song heard, a soft wind, where you saw light
      a. "the one you say goodnight to" by Kina Grannis
      b. the Spirit when it moves
      c. at the bottom of a deep hole Light illuminated and showed me the way out..  

Boundaries

I guess I have been lapse in setting boundaries. Today I realized that I must set boundaries. I must. I try so hard to exercise graciousness with others that my personal limits get overstepped frequently and then with that the peace that is hard won takes its leave.

Wise words today from a sister in Father helped me realize that my direction doesn't change based on anything said or done. Father leads my dh and I in His ways. He speaks to us as to what we are to do, the road we're to walk, etc.. And what happens in our lives is based on the conviction that Father has given us.

I guess the world at large just isn't sure how to take a woman who greatly desires another child..who hurts when her womb is emptied of life...I am an oddity. There are those of us out there that are oddities..

I keep thinking of the song God's Own Fool by Michael Card. I am God's fool. I desire babies rightly, as scripture tells us that is a good thing. I know I please my Heavenly Father when I place my trust in Him and His purposes and plans.

Something I have been thinking on; walking a road where Father is given freedom to work in my body and life is not an easy road. It's a constant road where I daily have to choose to trust, and to not be afraid, to cling to Him when I am. Controlling it would be so much easier. Nothing left to chance...everything in control..
For me, it's a faith walk everyday. I like to be in control. I do as most of us do. I would like life to be laid out neatly and in order. I like things to be neat and organized. But life is messy. Nothing is certain. All I can count on is my Father in whom I put my faith and hope.

I am weak. Show me someone that isn't..I am hurting. I lose hope. My trust falters. But I know who to turn to. I know who holds my future. I don't have to be strong and never falter. Father knows my pain and my hurts. I am so glad that He allows me to be weak, to hurt, hopeless and to falter...Scripture tells us he gives strength to the weak and upholds those who falter.
He carries us when we can no longer carry ourselves. I have nothing to show Him. He knows all. He sees all.

Thank You Father! I love you...help me to love you more..