Who will love me for me...

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

Waiting..

This morning as I drove to pick up my son from the special needs horse farm where he volunteers I was thinking upon how the theme of my life has been waiting on the L-rd.

He has consistently called me to wait on Him, trust and put my hope in Him.

Several times come to mind;
After my baby girl RuthAnne passed away I waited on the L-rd to bring me out of severe grief and depression, out of a deep pit.
One memory that comes to mind along with the anguish I felt is in the months following her death being at a moms homeschooling meeting and when it was my turn to share telling the group that the L-rd had chosen me; had chosen me to be refined in the furnace of affliction.

'See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction" Isaiah 48:10

As I shared my voice broke and all the anguish in my heart spilled forth..
So easily my heart even now can recall how broken I was.. It's still under the surface; right there..


Another memory comes to mind of another baby girl in the hospital awaiting a surgery which would save her life. I remember not even knowing what to pray as I waited. All I could do was wait and trust in the L-rd and put my hope in Him. 


And again not long ago as I waited for the birth of my 11th child. I had chosen an unassisted birth putting all of my trust and hope in the L-rd and not man. Again and again the L-rd led me to Himself and told me to wait on Him and to trust. 
I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.~ Psalm 130:5 (Amplified Bible)


There are so many memories; waiting on Him for daily provision, with my fertility and body, a place to call our own, vehicles, weight loss, health issues, etc..
It's a constant in my relationship with Yeshua. 
I want to fix things myself. I am impulsive by nature but over and over again He calls me to WAIT ON HIM! Not to rush ahead, not to do things on my own. But to just wait and trust. 
It's an active trust where I wait with expectation and hope. 
My soul, wait in silence for God alone, because my hope comes from him.~Psalm 62:5
I am seeing a change in me. I am growing and spiritually maturing. It is becoming easier and easier to wait and trust. To give my cares and burdens to Elohim and know the result will be of His design. 

What comes to mind is the phrase "Beauty for Ashes"  This is what He is giving me....

never intended...

I have been so busy lately. I am leading a homeschool group, have started our homeschool year, being a wife and mama, home fellowship, weight watchers, etc..

Even in the midst of all of this I feel so alone. In reality I know I am not but even that truth doesn't erase what I feel. Even while sitting in a restaurant with a friend I feel alone..I can feel my spirit just sinking down, down to that sad place.
I am learning lessons..lessons life is teaching me. I know there is no other place to learn them. How things can change but also stay the same.
I am learning to turn to the L-rd and not man. Learning to find my value in him, what I need and that secure place. I am learning that I will never measure up to perfection but in His eyes I am blemish free. His bride..
And I am still seeking for my bosom buddy. That one person who will fill up any silence in comfortable ease. Where no words are needed and our hearts just mold together. I know that there is someone like that out there. Friendship is so important. I am thankful for my many friends here who pray for me and love me right here the way I am. :)I think I have lost any hope that I will be loved just for me but I find hope because of these ladies. I always feel that I am just one thoughtless word, or miscommunication from having noone. Hope, I can hang onto..and so I do.

It all starts as a tiny baby and child when you hunger for love and it's never returned. And then stays with you as you grow and are repeatedly scorned and rejected even into your adult life. I have tried to be rid of the things this has done to me, who I am, and through the L-rd's goodness I have managed to come so far but the effects of this lack of love and concern have left immeasurable scars on my very being. Sadly, it has shaped me..but not always in a negative way. There have been positives and things I have changed for my own children.
 
My dh, as much as we may have our moments of anger and hurt and our voices raised, I know that he loves me. I know he is mine until death separates us. He has been the one constant in my life. The one person I can count on to love me regardless of the foolish things I do and say. My Hosea..(if you haven't read the story of Hosea in the Bible you should) I am amazed at his love for me and grateful for what Elohim has given me in this man. Daily reminded of the L-rd's love for me through my love.
 
I never intended to write what I have but I just have so much going on inside of me these days. It's good to have a place to journal. To put my thoughts to paper....er...blog land..

Parade Pics..

Sunday we went to the parade and had a great time. The children ended up with bags of candy. Not full mind you, but plenty for them to be happy. :)
Here is some pics to share with you;
walking to the parade..

I loved the horses..

loved this...wouldn't it be perfect for a wedding or renewal??

The kiddos watching and waiting for more candy..

gotta have a clown..

We live in farm country and farm country wouldn't be complete without a few of these..

A church here in Maple City had a huge cross they were carrying. I loved it! Made me think of the verse that tells us to take up our cross and deny ourselves;
Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. ~Luke 9:23-24

more stuff..

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A few random pics of KianAdley and JaidenNoah...

This is my favorite! KianAdley's pouty face. It's so cute!!!

Be Blessed!!! :)

Gray..

I was reading through different articles, blogs, and poems, etc about postpartum depression when I came across a poem that spoke of living in the gray and it just SHOUTED out at me. That's how I feel and it puts into perspective..
a word picture if you will..
I can get up and take care of my children and even be a wife but it's all done while living in the gray.
I feel off..
in a fog, no focus, memory seems so fuzzy,
I lack joy..in being a mother and being a wife..with life..
wanting to be alone and run away and hide..
losing my patience more than normal..
feeling overwhelmed
 confused
 etc...

Living in the gray... 

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to give up..and not try...and just be....well, at least for today...

L-rd give me Your encouragement today...

HAPPY 2 MONTH B-DAY!!

Happy 2 month Birthday to my sweety baby Kian Adley!!!

"Ani Tamid Ohav Otcha".

Bike riding and the trails...

Here in Maple City we have a lot of bike trails. They are all very nice and the city does alot to keep them looking beautiful.
The one near our home is called the Pumpkinvine Trail. It's 10 miles there and back. Last week we went on a bike ride as a family for the first time since I had my baby. We didn't go the whole 10 miles but did 4-5 miles. Then tonight we packed a picnic supper and headed out on another trail which takes you down to a castle park and then under a new bridge they just built for those who bike and walk the trail. At least another 4-5 miles tonight too.
Bike riding is what we do for fun together! We all love it! Finding new places to explore and bike ride is fun too! :)
Here are a few pics of us and the Pumpkinvine Trail..

 Micah..

My dh get's farm fresh eggs from a man who lives near his place of employment. They are so wonderful and we just had to take a picture of the size of the eggs compared to store bought eggs. They are much bigger...