never intended...

I have been so busy lately. I am leading a homeschool group, have started our homeschool year, being a wife and mama, home fellowship, weight watchers, etc..

Even in the midst of all of this I feel so alone. In reality I know I am not but even that truth doesn't erase what I feel. Even while sitting in a restaurant with a friend I feel alone..I can feel my spirit just sinking down, down to that sad place.
I am learning lessons..lessons life is teaching me. I know there is no other place to learn them. How things can change but also stay the same.
I am learning to turn to the L-rd and not man. Learning to find my value in him, what I need and that secure place. I am learning that I will never measure up to perfection but in His eyes I am blemish free. His bride..
And I am still seeking for my bosom buddy. That one person who will fill up any silence in comfortable ease. Where no words are needed and our hearts just mold together. I know that there is someone like that out there. Friendship is so important. I am thankful for my many friends here who pray for me and love me right here the way I am. :)I think I have lost any hope that I will be loved just for me but I find hope because of these ladies. I always feel that I am just one thoughtless word, or miscommunication from having noone. Hope, I can hang onto..and so I do.

It all starts as a tiny baby and child when you hunger for love and it's never returned. And then stays with you as you grow and are repeatedly scorned and rejected even into your adult life. I have tried to be rid of the things this has done to me, who I am, and through the L-rd's goodness I have managed to come so far but the effects of this lack of love and concern have left immeasurable scars on my very being. Sadly, it has shaped me..but not always in a negative way. There have been positives and things I have changed for my own children.
 
My dh, as much as we may have our moments of anger and hurt and our voices raised, I know that he loves me. I know he is mine until death separates us. He has been the one constant in my life. The one person I can count on to love me regardless of the foolish things I do and say. My Hosea..(if you haven't read the story of Hosea in the Bible you should) I am amazed at his love for me and grateful for what Elohim has given me in this man. Daily reminded of the L-rd's love for me through my love.
 
I never intended to write what I have but I just have so much going on inside of me these days. It's good to have a place to journal. To put my thoughts to paper....er...blog land..