It's not easy for me to admit I am weak or failing or at a loss...I should know better..
After my sweet RuthAnne died I went through a severe depression. At the time I thought it was all just grief but looking back I can see it was severe postpartum depression mixed in with grief, etc.. She was only about a month old when she died so I was still newly pp and everything in my life fell apart!
Since her death I have not felt the same nor been the same. Some of it good and some of it bad..
After my son's birth in Oct. 2007 I went through some major health issues to do with my pelvis etc.. and it was then during this time that I began to have issues, feelings that I couldn't explain so I ignored them the best I could. After his birth an online friend told me she thought I might have ppd.. I just dismissed it. I am too strong for that!
Thats what I told myself after RuthAnne died too and my body literally begin reacting physically and I couldn't function any longer...it took years to get out of that pit. :(
So this time maybe I have learned from the past..that I am just human flesh.. that I am weak in and of myself..I can admit my feelings and what I am dealing with and begin to heal and get better more quickly.
So I am not going to pretend anymore. I am going to face ppd head on and deal with it. I am going to be proactive..taking herbs for depression, talking about it and allowing myself down time...
I am going to stay in G-d's word as that helps me the most right now. And take advantage of the good moments like right now..why I am posting this..
Pray for me if you think of it..
allowing yourself to work through this instead of burying it down and ignoring it is the best gift you can give to yourself!
ReplyDeletedepression will keep growing when it's ignored. we are often so scare dot face depression or anxiety because we are afraid that if we do we will be met with more than we can possibly conquer or that it will become worse by speaking of it. that's depressions secret weapon! keeping quiet gives it power over your more and more until you're so deep in!
You are doing exactly what you need to.
I have PPD with two of my kids. I also had PPA stemming from my 2nd girl who was very sick in her infanthood. I was so strapped with this depression. anxiety and guilt that I didn't sleep at night for years (I'm still battling it!) it took over every area of my life.
This time I decided I'm done with being the victim. I got some good advice and I'm facing it head on. I am not taking steps ot help me and for me my biggest help is that every night before bed I find somewhere quiet (no easy thing as a mom!) and sit ALONE in the still quiet and think. I think about my day, how it went, how I spent it, was i happy with my attitude, what things worried, can I change them etc etc etc. I think til I can't think no more and then I pray. it may sound WAY too simple, but it has helped me better than any med or herb yet! I also do take herbs though, but if i HAD to pick I'd go with the daily quiet time.
it's also important that I do anything else but think - no reading or planning tomorrow at that time. it's only for reflection and prayer. it's amazing what I discovered about myself!! at first I dreaded the quiet b/c that's when my anxiety is at it's worst by far. but once I started facing it...even starting PLANNING for it, it didn't scare me anymore! it was silly, but such an amazing change! It was like all day everythign I worried and was depressed over I just told myself "I will deal with those feleings tonight at the allotted time" and I immediately felt lighter and life was easier to deal with.
I've been doing this for a little less than 2 months and I simply cannot tell you how much it helped. I can't believe I spent this long trying to pretend I wasn't depressed and being plagued by it.
anyhow I'm not trying to tell you what to do. this is what worked fo me... but I'm just trying to encourage you that taking the time to face your depression is the best thing you can do!! and I promise you wont regret it!
forgive all the typos, I don't have time to spell check right now! I'm typing as quickly as I can ;)
(P.s. this is is Laura/Henny from Lafianzoo.com but I'm linking this to my spiritual journal site that is kinda private... my nick name is "elle".)
Praying for you Ambra.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be in my thoughts and prayers Ambra. May the joy of His salvation be restored to you :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an honest post. I had ppd after all three of my babies and was afraid to tell anyone what was going on in my head. I don't know what kind of births you've had but I learned that the medications that are give to us after c-sections can actually cause or increase ppd. I really wish someone would have told me that the first time around!
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you!