Waste

Lies and gossip hurt so many people.

Why is it so easy for people to believe the gossip and lies before they give heed to the truth?

Why do some people claim the name of Christ and then gossip and lie? And cause so much hurt?

The last 9 months of my life have been wasted..I have failed...

I am so easily forgotten...  and my work so easily pushed aside by many...

Happy with my decision but hurting by how it all came about...

Sad still by how much hurt is in my heart because of lies and gossip. By someone who shows no regard or remorse for hurts...

I will never understand people..

I love this saying because it's so true!

"Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

I am pushing on...

ya, me too!

Do you ever feel like you fail at everything you do in life? That even when you try to do the right thing it blows up in your face? That you're a failure?

Ya, me too!

Do you ever feel unloved and unworthy of anyone loving you? Do you feel like you can't trust anyone because eventually everyone hurts you? Do you ever feel it's because of who you are and how unlovable you are?

Ya, me too!

You know that even though you're heart was right and your intentions honorable that in the end it will be your fault and you'll be to blame. You feel this way because sadly this is what life has taught you..

Ya, me too!

Do you ever wonder why you even try anymore? Do you remind yourself why you guard your heart and staying at home hiding is so inviting?

Ya, me too!

Do you ever regret letting others see you vunerable? You know your weakness will be laughed at and mocked and used against you.

Ya, me too!

Do you ever wonder why the Father up in heaven would care about someone such as you? How could he?

Ya, me too!

New things..

We're moving and heading to country living! We have been in Texas for 16 months now in a small 3 bdrm home. We decided to start looking for something bigger. 4 days after starting our search we we're moving! Father provided a bigger home out of the city where we can have chickens, turkeys and a dog! All kinds of new things for us!!

Our new home!

 
We also have a new puppy. The children just love her!

They chose the name Socks for her as she looks like she is wearing socks! :)

And Monday I was able to take a peek at our newest blessing all snuggled in my womb...

To follow along with my pregnancy check out my pregnancy blog:
Wombmama

Blessings!!

Live fearlessly!

Last weekend while shopping at the used homeschool curriculum sale I came across a blue book with the title Live Fearlessly. My attention was immediately captured. Coincidence? I think not!
This book is a "study in the book of Joshua" ..
I want, I desire, no I need to learn to live fearlessly and to walk in faith and trust. I don't believe for one second Yeshua Messiah wants us walking through life full of fear, doubt, uncertainty and worry...

Father has been showing me my sin of worry. I worry..I literally make myself sick...I can't live like this..where is my trust and my faith...?

I finished day 2 this morning and already He is teaching me and showing me..
And how awesome is my Lord...even in the midst of my fear, worry and lack of trust He still speaks to me and gives me balm for my weary heart...

My prayer for this week: Messiah Yeshua be VICTORIOUS in my heart and life!

I will end this with a quote from Day 1...

I would say to my soul, O my soul, this is not the place of despair; this is not the time to despair in. As long as mine eyes can find a promise in the Bible......as long as there is a moment left me of breath or life in this world, so long will I wait or look for mercy, so long will I fight against unbelief and despair. ~ John Bunyan      

Twelve Lives

In our lives:

Our school year has ended. My two oldest boys 15 & 16 will continue with Math throughout the summer along with my dd, who is 13. This way they will be caught up once we start again in Aug./Sept.

My two oldest boys are still doing lawn mowing for others in our neighborhood. They have quite a little business going! They work hard and do a great job! My son Josiah who is 16 is really great with people and just has a way about him that draws others to him. This helps with getting jobs. :)

Quentin, Gabby & Micah have been working hard crocheting to fill orders for 3 Musketeer Crochet.

JaidenNoah is still going to Occupational & Speech Therapy twice a week. He is improving so I know it's helping. He is pretty much potty trained also.

KianAdley is such a character. He makes me laugh most every day with his antics! He is so smart and is talking alot already.

ZaraLayna is a great little helper and such a sweet beautiful girl! I really enjoy her! I have been teaching her to wash her face, brush her hair and to put on clean clothes every morning. She is finally getting the hang of it. :)
She still has her issues from the Hirschsprung's Disease but she doesn't let it stop her!

Micah & Zeke had their piano recital May 20th. They both did awesome! Zeke is starting to be able to play more complicated pieces and it just warms my mama heart. Micah makes his own songs at each recital. He has his own unique style and I love seeing what He'll come up with.

Isaac is such a cutie pie. Every time I look at him all I see is his daddy. He looks so much like him when he was his age. He is reading well now. Last night he volunteered to read Ephesian 6:1-3 at our Shabbat table. He did an awesome job! He is a deep thinker and I can see the wheels turning as he thinks and thinks.

Gabriellia is growing in her relationship with Yeshua. I am so amazed at the things she tells me and shares with us during devotions and prayer. Her heart is to please Father.

Quentin is either busy crocheting or reading. That boy always has a book in his hands. I love it! I have always loved to read so seeing my children enjoy it please me so greatly.

Morgan-Britney is still working on her next novel. I can't wait to read it! It sounds really good already! She is waiting on Father as to what her direction in life should be. Waiting is hard for her as it is for so many of us but she is waiting. And we work together through those hard days where the waiting seems as if it may never end. My sweet girl is my special friend. We share so much and I love her more than the moon! I am so thankful for our relationship. We have our trials but in the end we have a very special mother/daughter relationship. She's my girl!!

After a bit shy of 13 months of hoping and praying our prayers were answered and another little squirt is on it's way. We are praying for this new life. For health and a blessed pregnancy. I am honestly still so fearful but when I feel this way I tell myself that I have to walk in faith & trust. And I go right on to do what I was afraid to do or to think or to share.  I have to keep believing that as Jeremiah 29:11 says Father has good things in store for me. His promise to me Isaiah 43:19; he is doing a new thing...I hang onto this! And I keep walking...
 Pictures of our lives this last month:

    
                                            We bike ride as often as we can!

                                                  My two little men!

                                                     Heading out to dinner on my birthday!

                                                      Micah & Quentin: haircuts!

                                                    Micah & Zeke at their piano recital.

                                                    School work....

                                          working on cave drawings..

                                                            Science project: the planets.

                                                            My girl!

                                          3 Musketeer Crochet: a doll pillow handmade by Quentin.

                                                  LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love is life with my family!

Take a look!

Take a looksie at my pregnancy blog:

WOMBMAMA

KianAdley's Birthday!!

Today 2 yrs ago my baby boy KianAdley was born! HAPPY BIRTHDAY my precious one!

Kian Adley's birth story!!

This pregnancy certainly did stretch my faith. I struggled with alot of fear which began from the m/c I had in March of 2009. Then it took me the longest it has to date to become pg again. I had finally started to think maybe I might not have anymore. I just wasn't used to it taking as long as it did. But, the L-rd in His wisdom gave me a bigger space; 2 1/2 years and time for my body to heal from my last birth. Looking back I see His timing is best. We don't always see that at the time.. hindsight is 20/20...

 Also with this pg I could not get a sense as to what gender baby was. His heartbeat was high like a girl's the whole time. See, now that's why they say heart rates are an old wives tale! :) And I carried him all out front like I have with previous pregnancies where it was a girl. The whole pg it was a mystery to me! 

 Around 36 weeks or so the L-rd gave me a dream in which I had given birth and it was a boy. In this dream I was very upset and I began to cry..I was sad it was a boy and wanted a girl. I woke up and was so shocked at the attitude in my heart! I then begin to cry and to pray. When my dh woke up I told him of the dream and we talked a bit about it. After he had left for work I went right to prayer and gave these feelings to the L-rd, repented and surrendered to whatever He had for me.  The L-rd had through this dream shown me the true attitude of my heart. I am so thankful for the G-d I serve and that He made me see the truth of my heart...
I still had no feeling if baby was a girl or boy but in the back of my mind I was assuming a boy..and I was truly happy! It no longer mattered; girl or boy...I had been given what I prayed for! A precious new life! 

40 weeks came and went and after having so many pg's and never going beyond 4 days late; 40 weeks 4 days; I assumed I would go around this time with this pg also. I was wrong! Each day dragged on and on! I begin to wonder what was wrong? Why was baby not coming. I had an u/s date and cycle date all accurate...
At 41 weeks we tried castor oil and it did nothing. My dh was checking my cervix and found that I was at least dilated to a 4 and effaced. I was feeling so impatient and again my faith was being stretched...this was something new to me. I continually had to keep my focus on the L-rd by staying in the word and in prayer. 
The weekend of my 42nd week arrived so at 41 weeks 6 days I again tried castor oil and it did nothing. I also tried herbs and my dh stripped my membranes. I was then dilated to a 6 and effaced. And still nothing happened! 
With this birth and again it being an unassisted birth my belief about birth and faith in my body was challenged. I kept asking myself if my body had forgotten how to birth? My asked my friends and my dh... I struggled with thoughts of going 43-44 weeks or longer and how would I handle that. I came up with a plan to induce at a hospital if I went beyond 43 weeks. Then after prayer and time spent in the word I decided not to do that and to trust the Creator who had created my body and formed this child within. I was referred to an article on how labor starts when baby's lungs are ready for outside the womb. This just further cemented what I felt the L-rd telling me; to wait and trust.. to take it one day at a time. This was my lesson learned on Saturday and Sunday may 15-16th...little did I know that the L-rd had planned my birth for the early morning hours on Monday...
 I had to learn new things that are possible with post date babies such as meconium staining of the amniotic fluid....I also had to prepare myself for a big baby...I knew that since baby was late he would be big and had to reaffirm within myself that my body could birth an even bigger baby then my last at 10lbs 5oz.. because of that birth I knew I could do it...  

 Sunday May 16, 2010 I spent the day with my family at a state park. I needed some time out not thinking about when I would have the baby or any other thing involving the birth. We walked one of the easier trails and checked out an old schoolhouse. We let the kiddos play at the playground area and saw the lake where swimming was allowed. We had a very nice day together! :)
During the day I noticed my braxton hicks ctx had changed...They were still braxton hicks but with them I noticed more pressure..I told my dh and he said to me that things would happen in G-d's timing and not my own...  
 I continued to have the braxton hicks ctx thruout the day...they weren't true ctx just more practice so when I went to bed I had no inclination I would be in labor very soon! The thought had crossed my mind but I had given up by this point in trying to guess the day or hour!
Sometime in the early morning hours I woke up thinking I had just had a true ctx but as I was groggy and sleepy I wasn't sure but I did have to potty so I got up. I then discovered I had diarrhea. UGH! :( It was then though that I remembered that with some ladies and some labors diarrhea can be a sign of early labor. 
 I went back to bed and while laying there I had a hard ctx..a true in labor one...then nothing...I then went to the bathroom again and  when wiping I noticed a bit of pink. I then begin to pray and ask the L-rd to let me have some bloody show which for me never appears until I am truly in labor and on my way to giving birth very soon. My dh would be up soon and I needed to tell him to stay home or go to work. Also my oldest son Josiah was headed to the horse farm. I didn't want them to be gone if I was in labor. Especially since my dh's place of employment is 30 minutes from home..and the horse farm 45 minutes...   
 Again I went back to the couch and tried to rest. While resting I had a very strong ctx and shortly thereafter my son Josiah was up. I asked him to please get his daddy. It was then I told John I was in labor and that he and Josiah should stay home. I again headed to the bathroom. I spent alot of time in there because of the diarrhea but it was with this bathroom trip I saw the bloody show; bright red.. It was time!     
 This labor was such a nice labor...if labor can be referred to as nice...yes the labor was painful but my ctx never were every 2 minutes..They would come in this pattern...easier one...then a minute or two later another easier one and then maybe within 3-4 minutes a very hard one. After the appearance of the bloody show all the following ctx were transition and pushing. And all in total from this point I had maybe 10 hard ones and then short easy ones here and there.. 
 I laid on my bed thru the ctx in between my bathroom trips. At about an hour and a half into my labor I knew it was time to push but I decided I wasn't ready and so for the next 30 minutes and the few pushing ctx I had I just worked through them allowing my uterus to push baby down. At some point I headed downstairs to get in the pool a


nd begin pushing but the water wasn't warm enough. My dh was boiling water in big pots on the stove to heat it up for me. During the ctx I would lean over our living room couch and sway my hips back and forth which helped tremendously with the pain. I had about 3 ctx and decided to lightly push with the next one. I leaned over the couch and in a standing position begin to push a bit. When the ctx was over I headed again to the bathroom on the way telling my dh I had pushed a bit with my last ctx. I also asked my dh to lay plastic down by the couch incase I ended up having baby there. 
After going potty I headed back to the couch and the living room and decided to begin pushing. The children were all upstairs and my dh was in the kitchen heating water. I again went through a ctx pushing in a standing position and felt him move down even more into my pelvis. It was then I squatted and started seriously pushing. I pushed and felt his head crowning. I stopped pushing and reached down to feel his head. His head was about half way out at that point and I felt his head full of hair. 
I then started pushing again and out came his head. I waited for that relief you feel when baby's head is born but it never came so I begin pushing the rest of his body out. In my squatting position my bum was just inches off the floor so I birthed the baby right onto the floor. It was right as baby slid out onto the floor that I heard my dh pour the pot of boiling water into the pool. As soon as baby was born I called out to my dh saying, "baby! baby!" My dh came over and picked Kian Adley up off the floor and then wrapped him in towels and receiving blankets. I then was so weak and shaky I had to sit so I just sat on the plastic where I had birthed him and spent the next hour and a half drinking in the sight of my new baby and resting. The other children came down to meet Kian Adley about 30 minutes after the birth. My oldest son Josiah (14) cut his cord when it had turned white. Within 15 minutes of the birth my placenta came and my dh checked it over for tears and missing pieces. It looked healthy and complete! 
 We all were in shock when we weighed our new little man! I knew he would be big but I sure wasn't expecting him to be that big!!! :) 
 Also during the birth we noticed some meconium staining of the amniotic fluid. Kian Adley did have a little bit of trouble after birth but we suctioned him really good and kept his feet elevated above his head. We listened to heart tones which were good and breath sounds.. We kept an eye on his color and made sure he was pinking up which he did. It took him a little bit longer but we just kept an eye on him. He did great! He also had almost no vernix except a little bit on his head. His skin is peeling on his hands and feet. All signs of a post dates baby. 
 
 I am so thankful that he is here! I am thankful for the new lessons I learned about birth and my faith. I was challenged in new ways and hope that I changed because of it. 
 Welcome to the world Kian Adley 11lbs 3oz...born at home unassisted after 1 hour 50min. of labor....my 4th VBAC and 6th unassisted birth!!
Birth Works!!!          







       

Birthday and those questions.

Today my twins RuthAnne Michelle & Micah Earl were born 10 yrs ago. RuthAnne celebrates her birthday in glory while Micah celebrates his here with us. We are so thankful he is here with us! He is a sweet boy, full of mischief and lots of character! He sees beauty in the things of this world. He is a smart boy too!

Happy Birthday Micah Earl!!
**************************************************
A note for clarification: Please don't think I am in anyway not thankful for every one of my children. I am! I do have a large quiverfull. I know some have none. I wasn't speaking of only myself below with my questions. I was speaking of all of us out there that have these questions. All of us that struggle with those same questions below and many not even listed. I am being real. These are true and honest emotions. I am getting too old to pretend. I think once you hit your mid 30's you stop playing games and learn to just be real.  
(And what you don't know is that I just finished reading Choosing To SEE by Mary Beth Chapman and brought afresh the emotions I went through when I lost my sweet baby girl)

All day today I have had questions running through my mind...
Why do some of us lose children?
Why do some people have babies so easily and never struggle with pregnancy?
Why do some people seem to get so much goodness and others so much loss and heartache..

I don't know that my questions will ever receive an answer. And I won't pretend I don't feel anger about all of it but still I serve my Father. I have to trust that He sees the whole picture.

That's hard some days..some days like today I am just plain old mad. Mad for those of us who struggle and experience loss and broken dreams..

Father can handle my questions and my anger. I can be mad. I can scream and yell and allow my emotions. At the end of it all I come back to the cross, where we find mercy..
I come back to the promise He gave us in His word. He will be with us even in tribulation and trial. He has overcome the world..

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33