Who I am is not who I was..

I have always had trouble with compliments. I am like everyone else and enjoy getting them. I need to hear that others see G-dly truths in my life and that there are fruits in my children and in my life. But when someone irl (online it's easier) says something compliment wise I am just never sure how to respond. Every day I look in the mirror at myself and I see this person staring back at me. This woman who isn't all she wants to be. I know who I truly am and I see so many character flaws and faults. I see how far I still have to go...
But then if I stop and ponder who I was years ago I can see how much my life has changed. How different I am and how much YHWH has changed in me! It's hard for me to recognize that person. I am ever so thankful that He did not leave me as I was!!

Tuesday night my children wanted to have a game night/family night. So after supper and chores were finished we all started with a game of hide and seek. It was fun hiding all over the house and having to run to base which was my glider in the living room. At one point I was hiding upstairs and Gabby who was *it* came into her room where I was hiding behind the door. Thankfully she didn't see me so I dashed out the doorway and literally flew down the stairs as fast as my pregnant body would move. All the while thinking how funny I must look with belly bobbing down the stairs!! I made it to base and had a good laugh at myself.
We then went onto play Mother May I and Simon Says. We ended our game playing with the memory game. We all had the giggles and had a great time! During our game of hide and seek my 4 yr. old dd ZaraLayna came up to me and hugged me. She then looked up at me with her big beautiful blue eyes and said, "I'm so happy!" It was then I realized again how simple things like playing games and allowing myself to be child again with my children meant more to them than most anything else I do. And again I have been pondering how the woman I am today is not who I used to be.
When I first started having children I truly did not enjoy doing things like this. I didn't enjoy going to the park, playing games or anything of the sort. I avoided them like the plague. I just stuck to being a mama and let my dh do those dreaded activities. But somewhere over the years Yeshua has changed my heart and today I LOVE doing these things with my children. I really enjoy my kiddos! I LOVE playing games with them and being with them.

I used to love being anywhere but at home. I would much rather be out than at home. But again I see such a change. I still love being with others but now it's only so much at a time becuz the truth be told I would rather be with my family at home than anywhere else in the world! Home has become my safe haven where the love of my children and amazing dh brings me peace and comfort. This is how Hashem wants our homes to be; filled with His love that we then give to each other.

As I have been reading thru this week's Parashah (Torah Portion) I have seen such devastating issues in these families that have had drastic consquences for all involved. Judah's sons not being willing to give Tamar a child and being struck dead to Judah not following through with his promise to give Shelah to her as a husband when he was grown. Tamar then took the situation into own hands pretending to be a harlot and conceiving a child with Judah himself!
If we would but live righteous lives and follow the whole of YHWH's word our lives would produce such wonderful bounty and fruit!
I am thankful that Hashem left us with these examples. It gives me much to meditate upon...

I know I have not arrived yet but thru YHWH's word and His strength I can try to live my life for His glory and years from now be able to look back and see that once again I don't recognize that person!

Pondering in my heart..

I have been pondering some things lately in my heart..
Women in today's world feel so much pressure. Some of it the world puts on us, some we put on ourselves and some we put on each other.
Women are pressured to be this weight, to look this way and to never grow old. Why are we all so afraid to admit our age? What is it about growing older that makes us all so afraid?

As women who stay at home we feel pressure to bake everything from scratch, can every harvest, grind our own grain, cloth diaper, clothesline dry our clothes, eat vegan or darn close to it. Use herbs to treat illness, homebirth, etc.. In todays world they call this a crunchy granola mama..
But what if we don't do all those things? What if we only do some of them? And what if we only do some of them some of the time?? Does that really mean we're less of a woman or a mama? Does it make the one who isn't doing all of this less than the one who is? When we stand before Yeshua will He ask us if we made all our meals from scratch or if we used cloth diapers? Or will our faith on Him and our works that come from that faith be what He speaks of?
Why do we think we're not as much as someone who does do all those things? Why do we judge mama's who don't do things as we do?

I am going to let you all in on a little secret...
I do grind my own grain..sometimes..Sometimes life gets so busy that I simply don't have the time and will grab the wheat flour in my freezer that I keep on hand.
I do cloth diaper but I put a disposable on my baby at night becuz of his sensitive skin. The first two weeks of my babies lives they wear disposables (until the meconium is gone because it stains) and when I am healed and rested and can take on more duties once again.
We do cook from scratch but will sometimes buy a quick food when money permits and time is short.
I honestly don't like canning food. I canned peach jam this past harvest and although I didn't enjoy it I am glad I did it because it was super yummy. I will do more next year. My dh loves to can and he does most of the canning in our home. Do I feel like I am less because of this? NOPE! I am thankful my dh helps me as much as he does!
Do we dry our clothes on a clothesline? Well, we have for many years but we started using our dryer and I really enjoyed having one. Then the end of this past July our dryer broke and living where we do with all of the rain and humidity meant that keeping 11 peoples clothing washed and dried became extremely hard! Just yesterday we finally got it fixed and I am so happy to have it back! I love my dryer!!!
We don't eat vegan. We do try to eat healthy but I have been known to eat a yummy cheeseburger here and there..:)
We do use herbs to treat illness but if it was needed we wouldn't think twice about going into the dr..
And yes I homebirth. It's what I feel is best for me and baby.. but I have birthed in the hospital twice and I am still here to live to tell about it..:) If I had to birth in the hospital I would but thankfully the L-rd has allowed me to have easy good births and I am able to birth at home.
Do any of these things make me a better servant of Christ? Do any of these things make me a better mama then the next person? I don't believe so!
I LOVE my children! I LOVE my husband! I try to be a good mama to my kiddos and a good wifey to my dh. I have bad days where I feel like pulling my hair out..days where I feel like screaming! Hey, I have 9 children I homeschool and am pg...so ya, I have those kind of days..
I am not perfect..I am like all other women just a work in progress! His work!
The only thing that really does matter is that I am following Yeshua and His word and doing as He has commanded. The rest of it can burn away as in the end what will remain is the things I obeyed from His word..they will build upon that foundation...

I am who I am and I want that to be simply a woman of G-d!!