"......and pray for me too because I don't want to be sad. "
This was the end of a text to my husband. As soon as I sent this I realized that being sad is a part of it. It's a part of healing. How will I heal if I don't walk through the sad places?
Yesterday we discovered the baby we were expecting never developed and I am now waiting to miscarry. It may be a few weeks out as the progesterone levels drop and my body begins to expel the pregnancy.
This is my 5th miscarriage. It really doesn't get any easier. I thought I was going to handle this better but as the evening came and went it hit me that I am not pg with a baby and that in January of 2017 I will not be holding a precious newborn and breathing in that sweet smell.
This one went on a bit longer then most of my previous ones. 7 weeks. Usually I miscarry right after a positive pregnancy test or within a week or so. My first miscarriage was at 13 1/2 weeks and it was devastating! The same thing happened with that baby. It just didn't develop correctly.
I think that with large families people tend to think it doesn't matter. I have a lot of children so what does one more matter? I can have more. But each baby is unique. Each pregnancy is a life full of promise with all the hopes and dreams that accompany it. It was a life even if it lasted a very short time. The minute I see that pink line I fall in love as do most mama's. We immediately imagine the months and years ahead. It does matter. It was a life. And I loved this baby just as much as I love every child I have been blessed with.
There are things that you shouldn't say or do to a mama that has miscarried:
It was probably for a reason.- This doesn't matter to her and it doesn't make it any easier to understand.
I have never had a miscarriage. - it's really not about you or your history. This is about the mama suffering with loss and grief. She needs your support. Telling her this means somehow she isn't quite as lucky or blessed as you and she has failed. Miscarriage leaves mama's feeling like they have failed. They couldn't carry the baby. Their body betrayed them, etc...
You can have more- yes, perhaps she can have more. But right now that doesn't make one bit of difference. She wanted THIS baby. This ONE right now! I know for me I never take my fertility for granted so when people say this it hurts because how do they know? The future is never a given in any area!
Think of all the wonderful children you already have- Yes, all her children are a blessing. She is thankful for them but she has room for more in her heart. They do not replace the life that was lost.
Don't feel sorry for her - She wants your support and understanding. Not your pity. Pity is one emotion that makes dealing with loss even harder. It doesn't help. It hinders.
Don't ignore her pain. Don't be afraid to talk with her and ask her questions about the baby. Perhaps she named the baby. Maybe there is something she needs to talk through. Maybe talking is just her way to work through all the emotions involved and trust me there is A LOT!
Some mama's don't want to talk about it or have times they do and times they don't. If you bring up the miscarriage be observant to her body language and truly listen to what and how she speaking. If you sense she doesn't want to talk about it don't push her. In her time she will. Tomorrow she may need you so be there for when she does want to open up and share.
Don't downplay her feelings or emotions. Don't treat her as if she just needs to move on. This happened to her. It's real. She was pg. It was a life. It was her child.
If you haven't had a miscarriage but you really want to help check out a book from the library, find one at the book store or look up resources online. Understanding what she is going through is the first step in helping her.
Don't assume you understand if you haven't experienced this yourself. It's not the same as your dog dying, losing a relative or goldfish. This was her child, her body and her dreams.
Offer to help her. Do her laundry. Bring her a meal. Be there.
Be kind. Be loving. Do your best to understand.
Miscarriage is a hard thing! It's a silent grief. Others can't see evidence of the pain and hurt. You can't see what her body is going through as she miscarries.
I'm in the middle of this right now..It hurts. It's one of life's hard....
This was the end of a text to my husband. As soon as I sent this I realized that being sad is a part of it. It's a part of healing. How will I heal if I don't walk through the sad places?
Yesterday we discovered the baby we were expecting never developed and I am now waiting to miscarry. It may be a few weeks out as the progesterone levels drop and my body begins to expel the pregnancy.
This is my 5th miscarriage. It really doesn't get any easier. I thought I was going to handle this better but as the evening came and went it hit me that I am not pg with a baby and that in January of 2017 I will not be holding a precious newborn and breathing in that sweet smell.
This one went on a bit longer then most of my previous ones. 7 weeks. Usually I miscarry right after a positive pregnancy test or within a week or so. My first miscarriage was at 13 1/2 weeks and it was devastating! The same thing happened with that baby. It just didn't develop correctly.
I think that with large families people tend to think it doesn't matter. I have a lot of children so what does one more matter? I can have more. But each baby is unique. Each pregnancy is a life full of promise with all the hopes and dreams that accompany it. It was a life even if it lasted a very short time. The minute I see that pink line I fall in love as do most mama's. We immediately imagine the months and years ahead. It does matter. It was a life. And I loved this baby just as much as I love every child I have been blessed with.
There are things that you shouldn't say or do to a mama that has miscarried:
It was probably for a reason.- This doesn't matter to her and it doesn't make it any easier to understand.
I have never had a miscarriage. - it's really not about you or your history. This is about the mama suffering with loss and grief. She needs your support. Telling her this means somehow she isn't quite as lucky or blessed as you and she has failed. Miscarriage leaves mama's feeling like they have failed. They couldn't carry the baby. Their body betrayed them, etc...
You can have more- yes, perhaps she can have more. But right now that doesn't make one bit of difference. She wanted THIS baby. This ONE right now! I know for me I never take my fertility for granted so when people say this it hurts because how do they know? The future is never a given in any area!
Think of all the wonderful children you already have- Yes, all her children are a blessing. She is thankful for them but she has room for more in her heart. They do not replace the life that was lost.
Don't feel sorry for her - She wants your support and understanding. Not your pity. Pity is one emotion that makes dealing with loss even harder. It doesn't help. It hinders.
Don't ignore her pain. Don't be afraid to talk with her and ask her questions about the baby. Perhaps she named the baby. Maybe there is something she needs to talk through. Maybe talking is just her way to work through all the emotions involved and trust me there is A LOT!
Some mama's don't want to talk about it or have times they do and times they don't. If you bring up the miscarriage be observant to her body language and truly listen to what and how she speaking. If you sense she doesn't want to talk about it don't push her. In her time she will. Tomorrow she may need you so be there for when she does want to open up and share.
Don't downplay her feelings or emotions. Don't treat her as if she just needs to move on. This happened to her. It's real. She was pg. It was a life. It was her child.
If you haven't had a miscarriage but you really want to help check out a book from the library, find one at the book store or look up resources online. Understanding what she is going through is the first step in helping her.
Don't assume you understand if you haven't experienced this yourself. It's not the same as your dog dying, losing a relative or goldfish. This was her child, her body and her dreams.
Offer to help her. Do her laundry. Bring her a meal. Be there.
Be kind. Be loving. Do your best to understand.
Miscarriage is a hard thing! It's a silent grief. Others can't see evidence of the pain and hurt. You can't see what her body is going through as she miscarries.
I'm in the middle of this right now..It hurts. It's one of life's hard....
:-( I am so so sorry for your devastating loss. And you are so right about the things not to say. I wrote a magazine article about this very issue (things to not say) a few years ago. When I lost my own baby girl, the worst one said to me was "You'll have more"... as if that could make up for the loss of THAT little girl. I'm so sorry, Ambra. :-(
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